Isaac Durst Escapes From His Cage

 

Isaac Durst, the energetic host of EBS TV’s English Cafe, escaped from his cage on the EBS studio’s backlot late last Wednesday evening. As of the time of this article’s publishing, he is still on the loose. His keepers suspect he was able to climb up the rope on his tire swing, jump onto the wire fence that runs alongside his wading pool, and then scale the fence to freedom.

“I just don’t understand why he would want to escape,” said EBS’s veteran caucasian handler Lee Soomin. “He always seemed so happy when he was on the show. Always smiling and dancing and doing whatever we told him. Sure, sometimes he would sulk and fling his feces at us, but we’d just feed him a few hamburgers and he’d be back to his normal self again.”

Authorities are particularly concerned because Isaac has miraculously learned how to speak Korean almost like a real human being. There is a concern that he might be able to use this ability to establish a bank account or have sexual relations with a Korean woman.

“I dare not think about what kind of hideous man-beast would be born if he managed to impregnate a Korean woman,” said Deputy Police Chief Lee Woosuk. “The important thing is we bring him back to his pen where he belongs.”

If confronted with Isaac, Koreans are encouraged to speak to him in a sing-song voice and repeatedly ask him, “Hi, how are you?” It is estimated that if not showered with attention, he will shrivel up and die within 48 hours.

Lee Soomin, the handler, just hopes that Durst is found. “I remember the day we got him. I told the trapper that I wanted one with blue eyes, curly hair, and the biggest nose he could find. We got Durst and he was just perfect.”