The crowd at the 2007 Auto Expo in Hiroshima, Japan, clapped politely as they watched simple tricks and exercises being performed by a prototype of the robot that will one day rule all of humanity with unfeeling ruthlessness. The demonstration, given by Honda corporation, featured the latest model of the ASIMO humanoid robot which has been under development for several years. According to Honda, the robot has been programmed to perform a variety of useful tasks, such as walking backwards, standing on one leg, and commanding an unstopple droid army to topple all exsiting political systems and bring them under the iron-fisted rule of Honda corporation.

Said one spectator, “I thought the robot was just great. I look forward to huddling naked in a cave along with the last remnants of humankind as its relentless hunter-killer droids track us down.” Another spectator said, “I wanna get one. He’d be like a teddy ruxpin, but instead of emitting a delightful series of preprogrammed phrases, he’ll rule all of humanity as an undying, emotionless god.” An attending scientist commented, “I envision a future that is like the sequels to the Matrix: dark, disappointing and almost unwatchable.”

The demonstration was one of the most popular at the Auto Expo as adults, youths, and children of all ages laughed and clapped along with ASIMO, unwittingly staring into the same unfeeling glass eyes that will one day gaze upon them with absolute omnipotence, judging those who live and those who die according to an algorithm created by a young Japanese man who likes watching anime cartoons of girls getting violated by giant tentacles and then dating those tentacles.

Even the mayor attended the show, saying, “Hiroshima has always been happy to be the place where powerful, world-changing new technologies are demonstrated. “

On her recent trip to Africa, Korean pop singer Lee Hyori was shocked to discover how many Africans were living without Angelina Jolie or even basic Mia Farrow. “It’s appalling,” said the 28 year old star. “How could anybody live in such a place without Angelina Jolie?” Her tour included some of the most exclusive impoverished villages on the African continent, often frequented by the likes of Brad Pitt, Cameron Diaz, and George Clooney. But she was dismayed to find that not all villages were fortunate enough to receive the nourishing, live-giving celebrity visits they so desperately need. Many villages are plagued by sub-standard celebrity conditions, receiving only visits from people like Ian Ziering and Star Jones while they slowly wait to die.

Lee said, “I would do it myself, but I just don’t have that kind of international fame, despite being really huge on both Dokdo Islets. These people need real Hollywood stars. It breaks my heart, you know? Most of these kids don’t have a lot of photo opportunities.” In addition to the lack of Angelina Jolie, Lee hopes to address some other issues that impoverished Africans face. “I want to improve education. I want to teach them so that one day they can read the covers of the celebrity magazines they grace.” Lee admits, however, that it will be a difficult task for her. “I resolved to help conquer third world poverty the same way I conquered the Korean music industry. But the people at the aid organization said that poverty and hunger cannot be solved by wearing hotpants and singing old Britney Spears hooks.” She appeared to be overcome with emotion, adding gravely, “no matter how small those hotpants are.”

As she spoke, a single tear rolled down her exposed mid-riff.

Hyori is known for keeping up with all the must-have Hollywood accessories

Lee also urged her fellow Koreans to join her in helping Africa. She explained, “the country has been torn in half by military conflict, the people live in grim depressing conditions, the government is corrupt, and the women are selling their bodies on a horrifyingly vast scale. But, trust me, these Africans have it bad too.”

Some of us in this world find ourselves toiling away for hours on end, living by the sweat of our brows, doing back-breaking manual labor for a few dollars a day, knowing that our very survival depends upon our strenuous physical efforts. Others of us teach English. In the modern age, economic inequality has given rise to exploitation, human trafficking, and that show where the Thai lady pulls razors out of her pussy. I may be an idealist, but I strongly believe that as citizens of this planet, we should all work together so that a fair and equitable chance at happiness is available to all human beings one day. The day after I get back from Bangkok.

Life in the third world can often be harsh and cruel. My uncle went to Vietnam and after the things he saw there, he was never quite the same. Of course, it was the mid 90s and he went there as a sex tourist, but the experience changed him nonetheless. I’ll never forget when he said to me, “Eddy, you’ve got to get out to Southeast Asia. The whores there are so cheap, it’ll blow your fucking mind.” It was, without a doubt, the strangest wedding toast I’d ever heard. But after I got divorced and came out to Korea, I began to think of my uncle’s words. And I really began to think about them after I realized I was spending 300 bucks a month on “sports” massages, and the closest I came to playing sports was boning the girls at the sports massage place. And so, a week ago, I bought a plane ticket to Thailand.

If my expat friends are to be believed, Thailand is just like Pirates of the Caribbean. Except instead of pirates, there’s prostitutes. And instead of the Caribbean, there’s prostitutes. And because of economics, I can buy a prostitute in Thailand for the price of a meal for two in Korea. And after I fuck the prostitute, I can probably buy us a meal for two for the price of a prostitute in some shittier country like Liberia. Clearly, this is not fair, it is not equitable, and it is an outrage. A horny, horny outrage.

I call on all people from all parts of the globe to join together and tear down the barriers that perpetuate economic inequality. But first, there should be an intensive planning stage that lasts until I get back on September 24th. But then, definitely start tearing those barriers down. Hopefully, by then I’ll have enough silk shirts and black-market boner pills to last me through the new era of universal human dignity.

Yesterday, hundreds of visitors came to see the grand opening of the new Incheon Holocaust Museum, the first of its kind in Asia (take that, Seoul!). They were greeted by an ominous recreation of the front gates of the notorious Auschwitz prison camp, plus a delightful balloon arch and two dancers who paid tribute to the 6 million victims of the holocaust by wearing miniskirts and performing 1980s-era aerobic routines whilst a nearby boombox blasted Jock Jams Vol. 7. Said one visitor, “The museum really affected me. The emaciated bodies, the lifeless faces, the eyes full of sorrow. God, those were the worst grand opening dancers ever!”

Yangpa Fun-fact: Dancers such as the ones pictured above are called ‘doumi’ in Korean. ‘Doumi’ literally means “one more missed credit card payment away from prostitution”.

Other Top Stories:

New “Let’s Keep Domestic Violence Domestic!” Campaign
The Ministry of Gender Equality unveiled a new campaign urging all Koreans to beat their spouses in the comfort of their own homes. A ministry spokesperson stressed that the word ’domestic’ means “in the home” and not “in front of KFC where all the world can see”.

South Korean Shoots 32 Pictures of Herself
Onlookers horrified by the ghastly display of self-absorption.

Researcher Kang Hyungjoon scolds Embryo 708-J for sloppy fingering

The world’s tiniest violin, a long-time staple of sarcastic sympathizers everywhere, has actually been created by scientists at Seoul National University and is being used to provide violin instruction to newly created fetuses. Says lead scientist Kang Hyungjoon, “We have a created a new process where we extract a fertilized embryo from a woman, put it in a test tube, and then use nanotechnology to teach it how to play first position and so on. It’s an exciting breakthrough. The world sorely needs another Asian kid who can play violin.” This new technique is part of a range of prenatal education techniques that Korean parents have begun employing to give their children a head start in an intensely competitive society. Other techniques include eating foods that are thought to help with brain development, reading books to the unborn baby, and hiring a white guy to come shout English lessons up the woman’s vagina.

Some of South Korea’s highest-ranking parking lot adjosshis will hold a first-ever summit meeting in Seoul next Monday. Guests will include several 4-star Parking Lot Commanders responsible for an awesome arsenal of thousands of Hyundais,  hundreds of Kias, and two BMWs.

Issues to Be Discussed:

Entertainment – 7 inch TV or 10 inch TV?

Fitness – Why 5’5″ is plenty tall for any man

Ass Scratching – Sideways or Up and Down?

Cap Dusting – Can you dust too much?

Ear Picking – Where do you wipe it?

Communicating with Foreigners – How to give detailed parking instructions by swinging your arms wildly and barking

Parking the Fancy Car out Front - Who wins between an Equus and an Opirus?

Automated Ticket Dispensers – Smarter, faster and they never sleep. How do we compete?

The Future - Glowing orange sticks like they use at the airport to become mandatory

Guest Speaker – Bill Cosby

Housewife:

Room Salon Worker:
I’m going to have sex with somebody and not charge them money. The owner.


English Teacher:
Me and my girlfriend are going to take a cell phone picture where we wear matching T-shirts and stand beside each other with our hands over our heads so that it forms the shape of a heart. Then I’m going to perform self-immolation.

MTV Korea Programming Director:
I’m going to play more romantic ballads than usual. But first I need to invent a machine that adds more hours to the day.

University Student:
I’m going to wear my pinkest shirt. The one with the built-in bra.

High School Student:
I’m going buy a bunch of condoms because nothing gets the ladies wet like the horniest holiday on the calendar: Lunar New Year!