Foreigner Arrested on Verbal Pedophilia Charges

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David Bukewurst, a native of Iowa, was arrested today and charged with one count of verbal pedophilia. Verbal pedophilia is defined as having sexual contact with a person who has the English language skills of a small child. While verbal pedophilia is a relatively new phenomenon in South Korea, it is one that authorities are taking increasing notice of. According to investigators, verbal pedophiles are marked by an inability to become aroused by a person who uses prepositions and definite articles correctly.Police first began investigating Mr. Bukewurst when bystanders noticed him having a suspicious conversation at a local restaurant.

“I was trying to eat my food when I heard a loud, over-pronounced voice speaking English. I tried to ignore it but it was impossible because he was speaking so slowly and repeating everything 3 or 4 times. If I had heard him ask, ‘Do you like movies’ one more time, I would’ve jumped out of a window,” said Kim Hyejin, who originally reported Mr. Bukewurst. “I looked over my shoulder, and I saw that he was on a date with a Korean woman. She looked about 25, but judging from their conversation, her English skills couldn’t have been higher than those of an elementary school child. Then, when he pulled out an erasable whiteboard and started drawing stick figures on it, I knew I had to do something.”

The authorities were notified and an investigation was launched. Mr. Bukewurst’s date, who is 27 years old, was tested for her English language skills, revealing that they were equivalent to those of a 6 year old child.

“It sickens me,” remarked Detective Han Dongho of the Seoul police department. “He should at least wait until she develops the English skills of a 16 year old. But 6 years old? What an animal.” Mr. Bukewurst’s cell phone, which contains text messages received from victim such as “Yesterday so funny” and “I not having time today,” is being held as evidence.

One Response to “Foreigner Arrested on Verbal Pedophilia Charges”

  1. Oliver Says:

    Still laughing in the time it took me to read the other articles and come back here to reply. A phrase that I will definitly be using in the future. You could have some korean version of the paedo-finder general from Monkey Dust (dark british cartoon).

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