Fashion Police Uncover Terror Plot


In an early dawn raid, Seoul police descended upon a shabby one-room apartment, and hauled away three giggling miscreants, finally ending their lengthy reign of terror. Police seized boxes of illicit loot and equipment, including a stockpile of blank t-shirts and eight silk-screening kits.

The group's manifesto was scrawled in red marker on the wall: "Our mission: To undermine the growing Asian threat by public humiliation and ridiculous slogans. We have found their Achilles' heel, and we will exploit it until they are the laughingstock of the English-speaking world." This chilling policy led to the productions of millions of t-shirts which ruthlessly brutalized the English language and unknowingly taunted the wearer. The motive for these crimes is unknown, though a diary found at the scene hinted that the Harvard-educated inhabitants harboured deep resentment toward Asian students for "getting the top grades and all the best spots on the volleyball team and the AV Club, and cooking ramyen in student dormitories at odd hours. "

The offenders had been operating for years under the noses of the authorities until police received a tip from a victim who complained that his shirt bearing the words "MY OTHER RIDE IS YOUR MOM" had caused him to be beaten senseless upon arrival in Los Angeles International Airport.

The suspects appeared unrepentant as they snickered and shouted "Ask! Enquired!" and "Ape Does Not Kill Ape!" before dissolving again into fits of uncontrollable laughter. When they composed themselves, the bearded ringleader told reporters "This goes way beyond t-shirts, man. You think you can stop us? Just look on your pencil cases. On your garbage cans! We're everywhere! You'll never keep us down! Never! Muh hwa ha ha haaaa…"

Warning: the following t-shirts, seized at the crime scene, may not be suitable for adults. Dictionaries and spell-checkers are advised:

7 Responses to “Fashion Police Uncover Terror Plot”

  1. Cockenstien Says:

    Nice try.

  2. Billy B. Robertson Says:

    Alice, compare this comment with the comment left in the story about the homeless man. Then ask yourself, who is the fucking KING?

  3. Cockenstien Says:

    Well yours is just better Billy. Not that Alice’s sucks, it’s good. But you’re like captain MAN and she’s like…a woman so yeah, wrting skills may be lacking. Too used to reading recipes or whatever. It’s cool tho i mean its good for a girl.

  4. suddenly susan Says:

    there goes my summer wardrobe.

  5. gbnhj Says:

    This is great stuff – it’s all really good! One things to mention, though (and it’s not a negative): ‘Ape Does Not Kill Ape’ is an American cult-cultural reference from Planet of the Apes, and was knowingly picked up and used. Since then, it has migrated to T-shirts et al.

    It was originally picked up a few years ago by a musician in Japan who goes by the name Cornelius (a character from the same movie), and his first CD release included some audio samples from the movie. The guy is very talented, and has remixed other artists (Beck and UNKLE, to name two).

  6. Alice Klassen Says:

    Yes, Mr. Robby, sir, you’re certainly the King, sir. I’m busy working hard on the next article, so I might not have time for your daily oil massage and blow job. Please accept my apologies. I’ll do better next time.

  7. Dear Editor Billy B. Robertson Says:

    Damn straight you will, Alice.

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