Roh Offers Sweetheart of a Deal

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Roh has put himself on the line with the Sunshine Policy.

Can Kim open his heart and let the Sunshine in?

President Roh Mu Hyun shocked local politicians and irked Washington by stating his intentions "to provide institutional and material aid without conditions" to North Korea. He also stressed, "I'm completely open to North Korea. I've said dozens of times that let's meet and talk regardless of where, when and what topic. Seriously, Kim. Call me." Though friends have reminded Roh to "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen," Roh can't seem to resist making overt gestures of warmth and goodwill. Last week, fertilizer shipments arrived with a hand-decorated mixed CD, including "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me" by Culture Club, "We've Only Just Begun" by The Carpenters, and Stevie Wonder's "You are the Sunshine of My Life." Kim apparently responded with his own tape of The Police hit "Every Breath You Take," and ""Respect" by Aretha Franklin.

Prime Minister Han Myeong Sook has openly criticized Roh's approach, characterizing it as "coming on too strong." "He's going to get hurt," she remarked ruefully, "if Roh doesn't realize that Kim will never settle down into a long-term union. He's got to have it on his own terms. All Roh does is give, give, give, but really he's just being an enabler. Looks like he's going to have to figure it out on his own, though.

Roh defended his aggressively affectionate stance: "It will take persistence to break through his emotional armour, since I know he's been hurt in the past. Those missiles pointed all over the world? They're just metaphors for the pain inside. He's a lost little boy underneath that glamourous and dangerous exterior. Russia thinks they're all that because they're both Communist, but who's the number one supplier of aid? Us, that's who, and when Kim wakes up and realizes that, it's gonna be a beautiful day. He is unlike anyone I've ever met, and I've never had a connection with anyone else that comes close to what I have with him. I can't just give up on this."

Relationship expert and astrologer Li Eun Gyeong weighs in: "Roh is a Virgo, so he values his relationships highly. He's very meticulous, so his intentions are not likely to be mistaken. Also, he was born in 1946, which makes him a Fire Dog. Naturally, he's intractable, kind-hearted and patient so he's not going to let Pyeongyang's bluster scare him off. You know what they say: where there's smoke, there's fire. And in this case, it's not just the uranium enrichment plants that are heating things up, if you know what I mean.

Could there be a union in Kim's future? Sources near Kim Jong Il say no. "He's a lone wolf. In fact, I've heard him he say would "mercilessly strike and annihilate those who infringe on [his] inviolable sovereignty."

Close friends have told the Yangpa that Kim is "a little creeped out" by Roh's overtures, and would prefer to be "just friends."

2 Responses to “Roh Offers Sweetheart of a Deal”

  1. Klassen's secret admireer Says:

    Alice, come back
    I miss your brilliant reporting skills

  2. Cub Reporter Alice Klassen Says:

    Please rest assured that I’m working hard behind the scenes, keeping Mr. Robertson at the optimal level of drunkeness (maximum hilarity vs. minimal vomit-on-keyboard) and paying off our bills by developing new muffin recipes.

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