Eager English Learners Rip Canadian Limb From Limb

by

Mike Shelton from Ottawa was torn to pieces by an English-thirsty mob inside a Daegu subway car last Wednesday evening. According to witnesses, the incident began around 8:00 PM when an elderly gentleman approached Shelton asking if he wanted to learn about Jesus. When Shelton replied, “No thanks,” his broad pleasant tones sparked sudden interest in the subway car’s occupants. A young mother carted her child over to Shelton to receive a quick real-life lesson. At the same time, a middle-aged businessman began to make serious inquiry into whether or not Shelton “like Korea girl.”

Soon the 23-year-old Ottawan found himself dangerously inundated in business cards and half-finished hagwon homework. As the mob closed in him, his screams were muffled by shouts of “nice to meet you” and “how long Korea?” The subway car began to rock violently as the crowd removed Shelton’s clothes, followed by his hands and feet. The subway floor was awash with blood. From the midst of the churning crowd, 37-year-old dentist Park Jaesoo emerged triumphantly, holding up Shelton’s severed head with both hands, screaming “Have a nice day!” repeatedly. 32-year-old homemaker Lee Jihyun knelt down on the floor and began eating Shelton’s still-beating heart, muttering to herself that “this will give me his powers.” As the train came to a stop at the next station, the crowd dispersed, leaving Shelton’s crumpled skeleton on the floor, picked clean of every vestige of flesh, but miraculously still wearing its backpack with the Canadian flag patch on it.

33 Responses to “Eager English Learners Rip Canadian Limb From Limb”

  1. jane Says:

    true, koreans are pretty pumped about learning english… but despite this, actually finding an english tutoring job can be tough!

  2. concerned citizen Says:

    dude you are fucked up

  3. Public Bob Says:

    hahaha amen. This is EXACTLY what happens to me every day. No, twice every day at least. Luckily i have wolverine-esque regeneration so it’s not fatal. I hate that bullshit. I have to completely ignore people in the subway when they talk to me, and i can hear hundreds of mothers telling their children (in korean) to come and talk to me to get a free English lesson. Keep your goddamn filthy ‘child’ out of my face!! I don’t approach you at random when you are trying to relax and try to abuse your kindness for my own personal advantage by infringing upon your personal freedoms and personal space. Damn bitches. Maybe I don’t want to talk to your retarded, filthy, stuttering, stupid child and have a conversation about how he is today and what’s my name and what country I’m from. Maybe I’ve talked about that very topic a fucking million times before. Ever think of that!!? Didn’t think so.

  4. Satisfied Says:

    If the kid has a hot mom, go for it. Name your price.

  5. White Tommy Says:

    There is nothign wrong with a free lesson. Just teach them wrong English and scar their little brains for life. “What is your name?” My name is Crack Whore. Let the fun begin.

  6. Zoltan Says:

    Dude, you must have had a really bad day

  7. Anonymous Says:

    this is absolutely brilliant.

  8. ji-young Says:

    You know what? Korean people are not interested in forigners from every country. The event above wasn’t that good though, I suggest you’d better take this ‘huge’ concern in here for ‘western-looking, native English speakers’ as lucky. There should be more forigners attracting nothing from Korean people, having a hard time. Every coin has both sides.

  9. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! Says:

    You know what? – Good opening. Good use of English, well done.

    Korean people are not interested in forigners from every country. – So you mean Koreans *are* interested in foreigners from some countries? That’s what you’re saying: but you don’t know you’re saying it, do you?

    The event above wasn’t that good though, – Being eaten alive is an ‘event’? Poor word choice. It wasn’t ‘that good’?? You mean being eaten alive is just ‘so-so’? Oh, perhaps you mean the article wasn’t that funny?

    I suggest you’d better take this ‘huge’ concern in here for ‘western-looking, native English speakers’ as lucky. – Take it as lucky? Ok, word usage slightly strange but acceptable. The formula is ‘I suggest you take..’ however. Hint: you Koreans should stop using ‘had better’ altogether because you *don’t fucking understand it*!

    There should be more forigners attracting nothing from Korean people, having a hard time. – What does this even mean? Where do I even begin to correct this? First off, why does ‘attracting nothing from Korean people’ equate to ‘having a hard time’? People are happy to be left alone. Secondly, ‘attracting nothing from Korean people’ should read ‘attracting no attention from Korean people’. Thirdly, by saying ‘there should be more…’ you imply that the article is about a foreigner attracting no attention when it is in fact about the exact opposite.

    Every coin has both sides. – *Two* sides not ‘both’. Did you make this platitude up? It looks like ‘two sides to every story’ but with a coin. What does it mean? Don’t use platitudes unless you get them right, unless you understand what they mean, and unless they relate in some way to your point. I can see you’re trying to look ‘nice’ and reasonable and use some English you learned but in fact you look stupid because you got the phrase wrong, stupid because it doesn’t relate to your argument, and lazy because you didn’t use your own words.

  10. Ji-young Says:

    Dear Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!
    Thank you for your corrections that helped me try to reach the level to be able to talk with you, an English expert.

    I apologize. I didn’t want to make you so mad at me. But unfortunately I did, for failing to satisfy your ‘English user’s requirements’ and saying ‘stupid’ words with ‘f–king no understanding’.

    I found that my long comments were so poor that you couldn’t get my point. I was talking about forigners who don’t speak English from Asian and European countries. Obviously they attract less attraction than native English speakers do. That’s the way you–if you are one of them–can have opportunities to have an English-teaching job which others cannot. Sorry for Mike Shelton from Ottawa from the ariticle. Yes, I am sorry to hear that, although ‘eaton alive’ was a literary expression.

    However if you can have more opportunities for a reason, also you might have more chances to meet stressful difficulties for the same reason. For example, A canadian who’s teaching English in Korea for he is good at his mother tongue often meets annoying Koreans trying to talk with–I used to do this before carelessly but I stopped after learning that it can be offensive. While, A Vietnamese who Koreans don’t want as a Vietnamese language teacher having a hard time to get a job, can walk without meeting a Korean trying to talk to.

    I understand my stupid English could be annoying to you, although I don’t feel bad at all meeting forigners trying to talk to me in Korean. I suggest you see the other side too. Think about this. If most Koreans can’t speak a good English for good, your English teaching job here will be guaranteed forever as well as troubles on the street by careless Koreans.

    I guess you know English is not a mother-tongue in Korea. Then, how Korean people can learn English? By reading what you wrote, listening what you pronounced, watching TV shows you made, and speaking with you. You will be able to imagine how ‘messed up’ two Koreans with poor English talking to each other in English. If you don’t diss them but try to love stupid Koreans annoying you, I promise your son or daughter will have a better condition in Korea in the future.

    Again, I’m sorry for using poor English to make you mad. But I did my best with what I’ve learned from my American and Canadian friends and teachers. I feel like I hurted them who I really respect them for making me from an English ignorant to a person who can write this long in a foreign language.

    I hope my words above helped you to understand what I said about a coin with ‘two’ sides.

    Also, I appreciate the YANGPA staff for allowing me to leave a reply.

  11. Cockenstien Says:

    Holy shit Grrrr! Harsh but damn funny!

    Public Bob, I’m with you brother. Fuck those stuipd kids and their “hello!” and “stop hitting me please!” bullshit. Grow up you little queers take it like a man! And their mothers can get fucked too. Dumb whores.

  12. Grrrr! Says:

    Ji Young: what can I say? My face is red now. I feel like I hit a cute puppy on the nose really hard like a bastard.

    Good luck with your English studies in future.

  13. indiercj Says:

    Wow. A site full of trivial bitterness for absolutely nothing. How original! Keep it up!

  14. captainhowdy Says:

    Damn funny. My advice for Koreans reading the Yangpa is not to take things so seriously. When you get really upset at satire it just makes you look either like a humorless overly-sensitive prick or just someone who is too idiotic to catch the point (I suspect indiercj above to be a bit of both). It’s embarrassing, really.

  15. sparkle girl Says:

    My English not very good looking. Hey crack whore. Nice to meet you.

  16. Joe Says:

    Yes, it’s true. It often takes a while for Korean children to learn English, but when they do, they’re very good at it. I’ve been teaching at Worknplay http://www.worknplay.co.kr for quite sometime and that’s one of the things I noticed. If you compared the skills of Children in varying ages, you will notice a high percentage of the children learning at a faster pace. In one year of training, they could speak decent English. Although there are occasional mistakes, they really strive hard to learn.

  17. Nick Says:

    Fucking hilarious! ‘HAVE A NICE DAY!’

  18. D Says:

    people got issues man……why are you so angry?

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