Perhaps software engineer and Seoul resident Tad Jenkins could have enjoyed his Bloomin’ Onion a little more if it weren’t for the bloomin’ mushroom cloud that darkened his mind today. While having lunch around noon at Outback Steakhouse, Jenkins found that the news of North Korea’s first successful nuclear test put a damper on what would have been an enjoyable meal.
“I made the plans to have lunch with my girlfriend two days ago. When I heard the news that the North had conducted an underground nuclear test it really made me worried. But I decided to go ahead and go to lunch, because underground nuclear explosions aside, I sure do love those kookaburra wings.
But then as I was eating my Brisbane Caesar salad, I got to thinking about what would happen if a nuclear bomb was ever dropped on Seoul. I mean, can you imagine the devastation? The initial blast would tear through steel buildings like they were made of toothpicks, incinerating people alive and bringing fiery atomic death to anyone in the vicinity. Children playing on playgrounds would be wiped from the earth in a wave of annihilating fire. Flesh would be seared from bone and bone scorched into ash. Millions of souls instantly devoured by the ravenous, howling oblivion as Kali The Great Lord Destructor darkens the sky with ultimate doom and rains stinging poison and hot choking death down on the tiny humans below. Subway cars become pitch-black baking tombs. The streets running out of Seoul are flooded with escaping refugees, hideously burned and screaming, a great tide of pathetic suffering. Women clutching the corpses of their children like broken dolls, wailing. Masses of people naked and bloodied, stripped of every vestige of human dignity, rolling their eyes and bleating like frightened livestock as they flee the burning city. Bodies littering the side of the road like so much garbage to be picked at by dogs in a grim reversal of Korean culinary tradition. Everywhere a dark harvest song can be heard as the Grim Reaper swings his scythe freely across the land, gathering his charred bounty, young and old alike. And then as the smoke clears we see wave after wave of faceless, jackbooted North Korean soldiers marching through the blackened rubble, robotic killing machines without human compassion, intent only on capturing what has become a mass grave and turning it into a monument to endless despotism. All happiness is blighted by destruction, all life devoured by death, all humanity entombed in cold totalitarianism.
Basically, worst trip to Outback Steakhouse ever.”