Horrifying Specter of Fiery Nuclear Apocalypse Ruins Otherwise Pleasant Trip to Outback Steakhouse

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 oniondeath.jpg

Perhaps software engineer and Seoul resident Tad Jenkins could have enjoyed his Bloomin’ Onion a little more if it weren’t for the bloomin’ mushroom cloud that darkened his mind today. While having lunch around noon at Outback Steakhouse, Jenkins found that the news of North Korea’s first successful nuclear test put a damper on what would have been an enjoyable meal.

“I made the plans to have lunch with my girlfriend two days ago. When I heard the news that the North had conducted an underground nuclear test it really made me worried. But I decided to go ahead and go to lunch, because underground nuclear explosions aside, I sure do love those kookaburra wings.

But then as I was eating my Brisbane Caesar salad, I got to thinking about what would happen if a nuclear bomb was ever dropped on Seoul. I mean, can you imagine the devastation? The initial blast would tear through steel buildings like they were made of toothpicks, incinerating people alive and bringing fiery atomic death to anyone in the vicinity. Children playing on playgrounds would be wiped from the earth in a wave of annihilating fire. Flesh would be seared from bone and bone scorched into ash. Millions of souls instantly devoured by the ravenous, howling oblivion as Kali The Great Lord Destructor darkens the sky with ultimate doom and rains stinging poison and hot choking death down on the tiny humans below. Subway cars become pitch-black baking tombs. The streets running out of Seoul are flooded with escaping refugees, hideously burned and screaming, a great tide of pathetic suffering. Women clutching the corpses of their children like broken dolls, wailing. Masses of people naked and bloodied, stripped of every vestige of human dignity, rolling their eyes and bleating like frightened livestock as they flee the burning city. Bodies littering the side of the road like so much garbage to be picked at by dogs in a grim reversal of Korean culinary tradition. Everywhere a dark harvest song can be heard as the Grim Reaper swings his scythe freely across the land, gathering his charred bounty, young and old alike. And then as the smoke clears we see wave after wave of faceless, jackbooted North Korean soldiers marching through the blackened rubble, robotic killing machines without human compassion, intent only on capturing what has become a mass grave and turning it into a monument to endless despotism. All happiness is blighted by destruction, all life devoured by death, all humanity entombed in cold totalitarianism.

Basically, worst trip to Outback Steakhouse ever.”

10 Responses to “Horrifying Specter of Fiery Nuclear Apocalypse Ruins Otherwise Pleasant Trip to Outback Steakhouse”

  1. inadvertentgardener Says:

    Niiiice. There’s not been much chuckle-worthy news coming out of that part of the world in the past 24 hours, so I’ll take this in its stead.

    The advantage of an impending nuclear apocalypse is that it means one can eat all the Bloomin’ Onions one wants without fear of death by blocked arteries…

    Genie
    The Inadvertent Gardener

  2. yu Says:

    kali
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kali

  3. Blogs on North Korea’s Nuke Test at DPRK Studies Says:

    […] Of course Robert’s ‘breaking news’ post and this update are required reading, as is this from Joshua (now at OneFreeKorea) on a possible embargo. Yohaeng Ilgi looks at the options, and USinKorea goes out on a limb with a prediction; no North Korea within two years. Gypsy Scholar posts on bluffing vs. baffling, and Kevin sums up the situation for his Dad. For some humor, see Beloved Leader and The Yangpa. But Kevin’s post on student reactions to the test demands a quote: One student surprised me with her take on Kim Jong Il. “I sort of liked him until today,” she said, “But now I hate him.” I kept a poker face, but my guts were writhing and my testicles kept popping in and out of my body like turtle heads. My asshole started shrieking ultrasonically; little edible dogs screamed in response and then exploded outside our building (NB: I’ve decided to name any future canine pet “Yummy”). Liked Kim Jong Il? […]

  4. mkchinese Says:

    Imagine there are no bombs in the world. We need to get to Narnia now.

  5. swiss james Says:

    If you order a set meal with a baked potato and vegetables, they always, always, always forget the veggies.

    I mean how hard can it be to remember two things? It’s not like I’m asking for an egg white only dinosaur omelette with truffle shavings.

    Fucking Outback.

  6. cooknkate Says:

    is there ever a GOOD trip to Outback?

    one word……ewwwww

  7. raincoaster Says:

    Forget the nukes; that food will kill you!

  8. Jinglejangle Says:

    Am I missing something here?

    The description in the article sounded a lot more like the rectal aftermath of a trip to Taco Hell than Outback.

  9. franksparrow Says:

    Hmmmm……..Outback came and gave the English teachers at my school free food. It was alright. I could feel my arteries clogging, but other than that, it was okay.

  10. lodine Says:

    lodine

    news

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