New, Improved, and Coming To a Republic Near You!

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As Asia struggles to cope with recent provocation by North Korea and the won falters, Korean mega-corporations LG and Samsung have announced an unprecedented partnership to offer financial backing to South Korea. In acknowledgement of their support, and their contribution to Korea’s astonishing economic triumph throughout the last 50 years, the Republic of Korea will henceforth be known as “Samsung and LG Proudly Present the Republic of Korea.” Minor modifications are planned for the national flag to reflect the contributions made by the corporations.

Samsung Vice-Chairman Jong-Yong Yun issued this statement: “With this partnership between LG and Samsung, the Korean dream of unification of has finally been achieved. Oh, I mean the other dream of unification.”

Due to the sanctions imposed by the UN Security council, LG’s partner group, GS, is poised to underwrite the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, also known as North Korea. The Stalinist country has been in financial straits ever since Kim Jong Il’s  5-Year-Plan “The Great Leap Sideways” entered its 18th year. In an apparent stroke of good luck, several relatives of the reigning Kim family perished in Nigeria, leaving behind considerable wealth , but despite the best efforts of a number of pastors, virtuous widows and princes, Kim Jong Il hasn’t received the expected windfall, and millions of dollars’ worth of bank transfer payments have gone unrewarded.  After the sponsorship takes effect, the DPRK is expected to retain its acronym, but will be henceforth referred to as the Digital People’s Republic of Korea.

Other corporate sponsorships are also in the works. The Presidency is being sponsored by SK Telecom, and consequently their slogan “Ubiquitous Leader” has been adopted and will be used to refer to future Korean heads of state. A discreet logo will appear on neckties worn by the president, and the president will personally deliver messages on behalf of SK Telecom such as “This number is not in service” on a live, individual basis.

Kia Motor Company has expressed an interest in sponsoring Dok-do, the small rocky islands currently in dispute between Korea and Japan. However, the prototype for their new sedan built in honour of the islands, the sprightly “Dok!” has been dismissed as too tiny, ugly, and generally useless.

14 Responses to “New, Improved, and Coming To a Republic Near You!”

  1. White Tommy Says:

    Wonderful.

    The flag is perfect too.

    you never fail to come up with good ideas!

    WT

  2. sewing Says:

    Amusing allusion to the Nigerian 419 scam there….

  3. To the Editor Says:

    How come I feel like I am the only korean to ever visit this website. Your material is brilliant, but somehow you only seem to attract crazy fillipinos and whiteys….

  4. White Tommy Says:

    Excuse me you racist SOB. Whities???? Im offended.

    You should call all caucasions ‘crackers’

    Thank you

  5. Jinglejangle Says:

    What? So I’m white, I must not be crazy. Is that it?
    What a bigot.

  6. Jinglejangle Says:

    Uh-oh….. You said dokdo. Here it comes…

  7. Ralph Says:

    Meh. i hate when chicks try to be funny. Stick a fork in this broad. Robertson should be writing all the articles and can this unfunny bitch.

  8. Cub Reporter Alice Klassen Says:

    The Yangpa is sorry that some of its staff has less than optimal genetic make-up. Please rest assured that Mr. Robertson personally inspects each joke, and makes sure I don’t write anything about how much I love shoes. The Yangpa is an equal opportunity employer, as mandated by Mr. Robertson’s parole committee.

  9. White Tommy Says:

    Alice~

    We all love ya, cracker!

    Now, peddle your butt back to the kitchen and make me some kimchi chi-gae!

  10. Anonymous Says:

    “Bravo Your Corporate Oligarchy”? You’ve got the spirit, Dear Editor, but the lack of realistic Konglish is a glaring omission. I guess I would imagine it more along the lines Korea’s special versions of “t-shirt English.”

    Ahh, it’s true, everybody’s a Monday-morning quarterback.

  11. Kim, Jong "I be the Illest" Says:

    Bwahahahahahaha!!!!! Bwahahahahahahaha!!! My secret plan Dok-do nuke then I be most famous Korean man ever! I wear snoopy shirt say “dok-do is north korea land” Dok-do not belong to Japan or american korea. Dok-do is my land! Bwahahahahaha!!!!

  12. Bony Robertson Says:

    To The Editor asks “How come I feel like I am the only korean to ever visit this website. Your material is brilliant, but somehow you only seem to attract crazy fillipinos and whiteys…. ”

    ANSWER: Brilliant material attracts brilliant people….. as for you, you must’ve mutated or fathered by an alien.

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  14. ingrid Says:

    yup!i agree to that! they should include all the company logo’s that boosts Korea’s economy!

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