This Cultural Event Is Totally Gonna Get Me Laid

by

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by Ed Crudder

So I met this girl the other week and I could tell by the way she spat into the ashtray and not on the floor that she was a classy broad. The kind of girl that you have to take out instead of just taking out back. Usually I’d bring her to one of my regular haunts: the liquor tent, the DVD room, or the stairwell below the DVD room. But when she showed up tonight and I saw her chic Louis Vuitton tube top, I knew I’d have to class it up a bit if I wanted to get my pickle wet. Now, I don’t want to have to break the bank and to dip into the ol’ handjob fund, so I guess I’m in kind of a jam. But wait, now I remember, my coworkers gave me two tickets to a traditional Korean drum show. That’s perfect! I’ll just take her there. Oh man, this cultural event is totally gonna get me laid.

She’ll think I’m some kind of sophisticated dude who’s all into culture and stuff and the best part is it’s totally free. And check it out, the tickets say they cost 40 bucks each! I’ll have to subtly let her see the price so she knows what a huge fan of Korean drumming I’m pretending to be. That’s right, baby, normally I’d take you out to a glitzy restaurant, but I just couldn’t miss this important cultural opportunity…to bone you! Har-har!

Hopefully this passionate expression of traditional culture will be in a darkened theater so I can work some of my sweet make-out moves on her. I’ll use a couple patented Ed Crudder techniques like the Shoulder Rub, the Neck Peck, the Nipple Gripple, Ear-a-lingus, and a nice slow Dry Hump. That always turns the ladies into Crudder butter.

Yeah, this is gonna be sweet. While those Korean dudes are keeping alive their unique cultural heritage, I’ll be keeping alive a fat boner in my denim shorts. What’s a good segueway from traditional drumming into going back to my apartment? How about: “Say, baby, listening to them pound on those drums makes me want to take you back to my place and pound on your hairy snare for while.” Oh yeah, that’s smooth.

And also I can go into work on Monday and tell that hot secretary about how touched I was by the majestic power of Korean drumming. I can tell she likes me by the way she avoids looking at me when I walk in hungover every Wednesday afternoon. And on top of that, I’ll probably gain a deeper understanding of the rich traditions that bind this dynamic society together. Which will totally get me laid in the future.

18 Responses to “This Cultural Event Is Totally Gonna Get Me Laid”

  1. Alain Says:

    rofl…

    Are you now trying it with self-irony to soften all the korean non-understanders?

    Anyways. You made my day!

    “I can tell she likes me…”

  2. ... Says:

    eww.

  3. sean Says:

    what is a seg-way-way?

  4. Jenn Says:

    Merry Christmas Yangpa Staff!

  5. Dead Says:

    very nice~ it captures the feeling the Onion perfectly~
    maybe you can get a job working for them~

  6. zulufox Says:

    the dirtier tone with this magnificient piece is much appreciated.

  7. seouldout Says:

    Nipple Gripple!

    Next Yangpa piece to be 24 days from now?

  8. profitdoc Says:

    Your website is a great stress outlet! Every entry makes me laugh. When are you going to write a book on your Korean adventures?

  9. idealjetsam Says:

    Ear-a-what?

  10. trigger Says:

    a truly heart warming story of love across the cultural divide
    beautiful

  11. seven luck Says:

    Bummer.. I think this piece takes the yangpa down a notch on the intelligent wit scale. It’s a funny piece but would be better suited to some men’s mag like Maxim.

  12. killtheperverts Says:

    just die..

  13. Sean Says:

    Perhaps it’s because it sort of reminds the reader of the Onion because of this:

    I’m Totally Gonna Get Laid On This Humanitarian Mission To Uganda

  14. Anonymous Says:

    Bwahahahaha!
    I could imagine and hear the drumming ….hahahaha

  15. dan*dan Says:

    Damn! Now I can go and turn girls into Crudder Butter too! Thanks for the tips!

  16. Anonymous Says:

    haha!
    It’s a wonder you have to work at getting laid! I’m shocked.

  17. !!!! Says:

    Stupid white boy.

  18. peter Says:

    Hello. Thanks for looking at my site. You got awesome site theme. I am currently using free drumming lessons type of design.

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