by Ed Crudder
So I met this girl the other week and I could tell by the way she spat into the ashtray and not on the floor that she was a classy broad. The kind of girl that you have to take out instead of just taking out back. Usually I’d bring her to one of my regular haunts: the liquor tent, the DVD room, or the stairwell below the DVD room. But when she showed up tonight and I saw her chic Louis Vuitton tube top, I knew I’d have to class it up a bit if I wanted to get my pickle wet. Now, I don’t want to have to break the bank and to dip into the ol’ handjob fund, so I guess I’m in kind of a jam. But wait, now I remember, my coworkers gave me two tickets to a traditional Korean drum show. That’s perfect! I’ll just take her there. Oh man, this cultural event is totally gonna get me laid.
She’ll think I’m some kind of sophisticated dude who’s all into culture and stuff and the best part is it’s totally free. And check it out, the tickets say they cost 40 bucks each! I’ll have to subtly let her see the price so she knows what a huge fan of Korean drumming I’m pretending to be. That’s right, baby, normally I’d take you out to a glitzy restaurant, but I just couldn’t miss this important cultural opportunity…to bone you! Har-har!
Hopefully this passionate expression of traditional culture will be in a darkened theater so I can work some of my sweet make-out moves on her. I’ll use a couple patented Ed Crudder techniques like the Shoulder Rub, the Neck Peck, the Nipple Gripple, Ear-a-lingus, and a nice slow Dry Hump. That always turns the ladies into Crudder butter.
Yeah, this is gonna be sweet. While those Korean dudes are keeping alive their unique cultural heritage, I’ll be keeping alive a fat boner in my denim shorts. What’s a good segueway from traditional drumming into going back to my apartment? How about: “Say, baby, listening to them pound on those drums makes me want to take you back to my place and pound on your hairy snare for while.” Oh yeah, that’s smooth.
And also I can go into work on Monday and tell that hot secretary about how touched I was by the majestic power of Korean drumming. I can tell she likes me by the way she avoids looking at me when I walk in hungover every Wednesday afternoon. And on top of that, I’ll probably gain a deeper understanding of the rich traditions that bind this dynamic society together. Which will totally get me laid in the future.