News stories so fast-paced and succinct you would think we were too lazy to flesh them out!
27 Different Julie Parks Coincidentally End Up in One Room
The strange event took place in a computer lab on the UC Berkeley campus on Friday. It quickly developed into a Highlander-style battle royale in which 26 women were killed and the winner, Julie Park, took their positions in various student organizations and their heads.
Korean School Children Entertained by Actual White Monkey
Yesterday, a group of 8-year-olds from a Kangnam Elementary school watched the delightful antics of a White Marmoset in Children’s Grand Park, which is known to many foreigners as “Children’s Grand Squalid Animal Jail”. As the children laughed and threw junk food into the monkey’s depressing shit-stained cage, their English teacher, Bill Northam, looked on with deep existential sorrow.
Korean Actress Diagnosed with Cancer of the S-Line
Lee Jeong-eun, a longtime contestant in the Unemployed Actors’ Wacky Hijinks Show, was diagnosed yesterday. She will retire from the show which airs 47 times daily and become a star in a popular documentary series, The Weepy Sad-Sack Life Show, which is sponsored by the Korean Violin Manufacturers Association.