Eager English Learners Rip Canadian Limb From Limb

Mike Shelton from Ottawa was torn to pieces by an English-thirsty mob inside a Daegu subway car last Wednesday evening. According to witnesses, the incident began around 8:00 PM when an elderly gentleman approached Shelton asking if he wanted to learn about Jesus. When Shelton replied, “No thanks,” his broad pleasant tones sparked sudden interest in the subway car’s occupants. A young mother carted her child over to Shelton to receive a quick real-life lesson. At the same time, a middle-aged businessman began to make serious inquiry into whether or not Shelton “like Korea girl.”

Soon the 23-year-old Ottawan found himself dangerously inundated in business cards and half-finished hagwon homework. As the mob closed in him, his screams were muffled by shouts of “nice to meet you” and “how long Korea?” The subway car began to rock violently as the crowd removed Shelton’s clothes, followed by his hands and feet. The subway floor was awash with blood. From the midst of the churning crowd, 37-year-old dentist Park Jaesoo emerged triumphantly, holding up Shelton’s severed head with both hands, screaming “Have a nice day!” repeatedly. 32-year-old homemaker Lee Jihyun knelt down on the floor and began eating Shelton’s still-beating heart, muttering to herself that “this will give me his powers.” As the train came to a stop at the next station, the crowd dispersed, leaving Shelton’s crumpled skeleton on the floor, picked clean of every vestige of flesh, but miraculously still wearing its backpack with the Canadian flag patch on it.