From the Socialist Youth League Quarterly

Has it been a quarter already? With all the production surpluses and military triumphs, I hadn’t even noticed! Here are the top headlines from our North Korean sister publication, the Socialist Youth League Quarterly — the third most-read quarterly socialist youth magazine in North Korea!!

Missile Test a Resounding Success
A dangerous patch of empty ocean was thwarted from its imperialistic schemes with a mighty blow from our Taepodong-2 missiles. Its softly rippling waves shall never harm anyone again.

Internet Adds Fourth Webpage
The total number of webpages on the internet climbs to four as the Democratic Front for the Reunification of the Fatherland unveiled its new homepage. Visitors can enjoy several animated GIF images and a MIDI version of War’s 1975 hit “Why Can’t We Be Friends?”

State-issued Pornography to Be Recalled
This quarter’s pornography supplement, The Central Committee of the Korean Democratic Women’s Union Gone Wild, has been recalled because it contains photographs of people who no longer exist and never did. All copies are to be burned for warmth or eaten.

Dear Leader Asks Public, “Are You Just Playing Mass Games With Me?”
Says Kim Jong Il, “You say that I have your undying love and complete devotion, but then you go off defecting all the time. You know I don’t want to brutally oppress you, baby, but sometimes you make me so angry.”

Reckless Dressing Claims More Lives

Steve Bergdorf, an American English instructor in Daegu, failed to heed repeated warnings from his co-workers, collapsed and died of hypothermia this Friday in nothing but jeans and a short-sleeved shirt. His sudden but needless death follows several other wardrobe-related fatalities this month.

Ho Suk Gwan, Mr. Bergdorf’s employer lamented: “Foreigners just don’t understand that the fall season starts in September. It seems warm to them, but that’s just because they’re looking at the thermometer, not their calendars. I tried to reach out to him, asking over and over: ‘Aren’t you cold?’ but he inexplicably denied it. If he’d only admitted the truth to himself, those children would never have had to see his rigid, frost-covered body topple over right in the middle of class. Is there no end to the stubbornness of these foreigners?”

Earlier this year, howling air conditioners threatened the reproductive health of mini-skirt wearers, but fortunately, the media was able to alert citizens of the risk, and no seriously frost-bitten uterii were reported.

Korean Issues Apology for Comfort Women

Park Jinsoo, president of software company iNetatronics.net, issued an apology to his management team for the comfort women, or lack thereof, that he provided for the most recent company dinner.

“I’m profoundly sorry that I was unable to provide any room salon girls for the last hweshik [company dinner]. I know how everybody likes to cap off a big meal with a nice round of handjobs and karaoke, but I’m afraid we just didn’t have the money.”

Park explained that iNetatronics.net had spent most of their spare funds on popsicles and boxes of individually-wrapped cookies, and that the traditional “whore fund” had been empty ever since the big IT conference in the Philippines. As such, the practice of visiting houses of prostitution (known as room salons) after every bi-monthly dinner would be cancelled until further notice. According to Park, no longer would his managers be able to find comfort in the room salons’ women, and they would have to look elsewhere for that heady combination of dehumanized, anonymous sex, fruit platters, and poorly sung versions of “Mony Mony.”

“Usually I’d chip in and buy a few girls with my own coin, but I’m trying to put my four daughters through college to make sure they have an opportunity to do something with their lives.”

Members of the iNetatronics.net management team reacted with sadness to the news that there might not be any more visits to room salons for the foreseeable future.

“Frankly, I can’t even get erect if there’s not a karaoke machine in the room,” said Marketing Director Kim Jinhoo. “I guess it’s back to loveless, robotic sex with my wife. And damnit, that’s the worst kind of loveless, robotic sex!”

Worthless Shit-o-Torium Sues English Consultant

The owners of the Worthless Shit-o-Torium, a new store that opened in Shinchon, are suing the English language consultant they hired to give them advice on their marketing strategy.

“We feel like he tricked us into adopting an inappropriate name,” said co-owner Jiyong ‘Bubba’ Kim.

His partner, Sangsuk ‘Tits Magee’ Park added, “This is a not a store that sells worthless shit. We sell things people need. We sell jewelry and cell phone charms and much-needed scented stationary. We sell Hello Kitty home mammogram kits and green tea flavored tea. We sell earrings shaped like curly pieces of doodoo. Are those things worthless? No. They’re 7,200 Won.”

In addition to suggesting the name of the store, the American consultant David Luckman also created the store’s slogan “Making your empty life bearable through cheap crap.”

Luckman responded to the suit by saying, “I’ve been an English consultant for a lot of stores and never had any problems. I don’t see the people down at Surly Drunken Whore Cosmetics complaining.”

As of Tuesday, the Worthless Shit-o-Torium will be changing its name to Well-Being Kitten Burst and then going out of business.