Archive for March, 2006

The Yangpa’s Popularity Skyrockets

March 31, 2006


Is the Yangpa the next Google? Yes!


Area Man’s Life Remains Un-Bravoed.

March 31, 2006


Lee Husuk, a 57 year old janitor for Sookmyung Women's University, takes a drag from his cigarette and stares wistfully into the distance. "Will anyone out there ever bravo my life? After all the lives that I've bravoed, is this all I get?" he asks. Like many lonely souls in the vast, anonymous metropolis that is Seoul, Lee searches for recognition and acceptance. "I try to put on an everyday new face. But it's hard to meet friends. I ask myself, 'Are you gentle?' and I think that I am gentle. I'm gentle, damnit! But people can't see the real me." Lee feels that perhaps his profession has led to this life-long lack of bravoing. "I didn't want to grow up and be a janitor. I wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer. I wanted to be the reds. But now I be the blues. There was a time when I had a lot of friends. My phone used to get 10 or 20 digital exciting calls a day. Now, I'm lucky if I get digital exciting anycalls at all."

In the News

March 30, 2006

Musical Evokes Horror of North Korean Prison Camps
The hours of monotonous drudgery living in a Stalinist prison camp are perfectly recreated by watching "Rent."

In List of Top 100 Movies About South Korea, "Best of the Best" Comes In 2nd
Winners from #1 film give their medals to Best of the Best performers in display of respect.

TV Performer Feels Audience's 'Woooooo' Not Heartfelt
Lee Minjae says his performance in the wacky backwards walking contest did not get the recognition it deserved.

Harvard Eagerly Awaits Overachieving Asian Teen
Chancellor feels that teen's perfectionist violin playing will be great asset to school.

New(ish) Korean Album to Debut in America

March 28, 2006

Having conquered such hot pop markets as Outer Mongolia and Guangxi Autonomous Region in China, Korean record producers have set their sights on America, and plan to release a compilation of K-pop's hottest current singles. "This album has been specially tailored to the American market," says Noh Changyoung of Emulation records. "Current Korean pop being what it is, we have decided to aim for a niche market of consumers who are nostalgic for the pop songs of 3 or 4 years ago." Taking a cue from the American pop compilation series "Now That's What I Call Music," the Korean version will be titled "Now That's What I Called Music" and will feature all of Korea's top acts today. Because the Korean producers are determined to catch up with their American counterparts, the first album in the series will be part 3. Says Noh, "The American music market is going to be Livin' La Vida Loca again, but this time, Korean style."

Korean Parliament Votes to Rename Island Archipelago

March 28, 2006

After having lobbied to change the "Sea of Japan" to the "East Sea," South Korean legislators have passed a new resolution that may be making a change on maps worldwide. By an overwhelming majority, they have voted to change the name of the large island archipelago which sits to the east of Korea. The new name will be “Jizz-breath Island,” which is distinctly different from its former name of “Japan.” Korean parliament member Han Woojin stated, “We feel that historically speaking, Jizz-breath Island is a more accurate name than Japan. Sure, Japan is full of Japanese people. But do you know what else it’s full of? Cocksuckers.”

Liver Cancer All the Rage in Korean Entertainment

March 28, 2006


The Korean wave is crashing onto the shores of foreign markets this year, and guess what’s washing up? Liver cancer. And lot’s of it. In the morbid, hospital-obsessed world of Korean soap operas, terminal illnesses have long been a plot device to drive the emotional content of the shows. And this season, audiences can’t get seem to get enough liver cancer. It has been making appearances in all the hit shows, from ‘Condition Romantic’ to ‘My Malignant Valentine.’

Korean media analyst Lee Hyanghee notes, “Last year it was it was all about blood diseases, and the year before it was smoke inhalation. Korean actresses would take classes to practice their coughing. But this year is all about the liver cancer. It’s like the little black dress of terminal diseases – sexy, sophisticated, and with a hint of danger.”

Dave Sperling Responds to PHP Error Complaints with Even More PHP Errors

March 28, 2006

Far from the smoggy streets of crowded Seoul, life is sweet out here in California. And it's sweeter than most for Dave Sperling, owner of Dave's ESL Cafe, the most popular site on the internet for ESL job listings in South Korea. As you enter the gate and coast down the three-mile driveway towards "The House that Konglish Built," Mr. Sperling's status as the king of ESL job sites is hard to deny. And yet, despite this success, Mr. Sperling has been encountering an increasing vocal outcry from the users of his site, who claim that the site is too frequently down and too unreliable.

Speaking to us from atop a pile of cash, the webmaster answered his critics, "I don't know what everybody's complaining about. I keep working on the job listings, and that money keeps rolling in. In fact, I don't even know why the ESL market is so hot in over there. I guess they've really rebuilt the country since the Vietnam War." Pausing to take a sip from his strawberry daiquiri while fanning himself with a handful of 100-dollar bills, Mr. Sperling reflected on his success, "Hell, 2 years ago, I didn't even know the intronet was!"

"Frankly, I don't see any problem the server," he said, gesturing towards the cobwebbed machine which is kept in the corner of the room next to some dingy mops and old paintcans, "It's the best server Atari ever made! I think it works just fine, it's just that sometimes I need a socket for my hairdryer."

Dave then took us on a tour of his house. Leading us down the marble-laid hallway, he opened a door to reveal an enormous closet. Inside was a huge collection of black berets. "I bought this one at an auction of old props from the Blossom show. Lead actress Mayim Bialik was wearing this in the episode where they find out that Joey has Down's Syndrome."

While staring in the mirror and adjusting his beret at various angles, he came back to the subject of his site, "They wanna complain about the constant PHP errors, but Sperling don't play that. I decided I was gonna have to calm things down by slowing up the site with extra PHP errors. Now, I'm no internetician, so I just poured a bucket of water on the server, and that seemed to do the trick." He adjusted the beret for a fourth time. "Do you think this is too jaunty? I'm looking for just a little jauntiness, not too much."

Korean Worst-Dressed List Results in 257-Way Tie

March 28, 2006


Fashion experts from Seoul to Busan were dismayed to learn that the Worst Dressed List for South Korea has resulted in an unprecedented 257-way tie for first place. Sharing this dubious honor are numerous singers, entertainers, students, office workers, small dogs, and even the unborn children of terribly dressed mothers.

International fashion designer Leston Giochanni remarked, “I never would have believed it if I hadn’t seen the results with my own eyes. My god, what is that she’s wearing? It looks like what blind people must see when they’re on acid. My eyes are starting to sting.”

The results have drawn a mixed reaction in South Korea. Some expressed incredulity at the findings. “Why can’t you make a jacket out of linoleum floor tile?” asked Kim Jeonghoon, a university student. Others, like florist Park Heeju, dismissed the importance of the list. “If hot pink fly-fishing boots are what you want to wear to your wedding, that should be your choice.”

Andre Kim’s Revolutionary New Cure for Baldness: Paint

March 27, 2006


Ask Korean fashion icon Andre Kim how to cure baldness and he’ll tell you.

“Paint. Lots of paint. On your forehead.”

Scientist from around the world are stunned at Kim’s revolutionary baldness treatment. “I was skeptical at first, but during a demonstration, he was able to undo years of baldness with just a few brushstrokes. And that was even before he put on the all-weather sealer,” said Harvard’s lead hairologist Henry Felser.

Kim says the idea came to him in a flash of insight. “I was painting my house, and as I looked into the full paint bucket, I thought to myself, ‘This looks exactly like human hair!'” It wasn’t long before Kim using the paint on his own head.

“At first, I was worried that it would look fake. But as you can see, those fears were unfounded. Go ahead, run your hands through my paint. Can you tell it’s not real?” According to Kim, this won’t be his last invention. “I’m developing a technique where we can cure shortness with really big hats.”


Further Allegations of Plagiarism Made Against Lee Hyori

March 27, 2006


After representatives of Britney Spears made allegations of plagiarism against Lee Hyori, fresh doubts have been cast on much of singer’s previous work, including her college master’s degree thesis. Members of the soon-to-be-renamed Hwang Woo-Suk Center for Academic Ethics have begun a review of her work, and they have found some unsettling inconsistencies.

Professor Jaesoo Lee explains, “We did find it a bit odd that her thesis was printed on a dusty copy of Annalen Der Physik and dated 1916. Furthermore, why did she hand in a physics paper as a master’s thesis for a degree in Pottery? Most people hand in pots.” Suspicions have also been raised about Lee Hyori’s 2003 book, “The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin.” Lee responded to the allegations in her own words, “Oops, I didn’t do it again. I am that innocent.”