From the Subscribers-only Edition

Because it’s easier than writing full articles.

‘The Amazing Race’ Receives Poor TV Ratings
Koreans disappointed to find that the race in question is not them.

Area Man’s Beer Gut Finally Gets the Recognition It So Richly Deserves
Since coming to Korea, 34-year-old Dave Koffler’s protruding midsection is pleased to find itself the subject of breathless verbal commentary by local citizens.

VANK Requests That Annihilated Korean Peninsula be Known as the ‘East Sea of Fire’
VANK (Volunteer Agency Network of Korea) has begun to take preemptive steps to ensure that if the Korean Peninsula is set ablaze by nuclear blasts, it will be known as the ‘East Sea of Fire’ rather than the ‘Japanese Sea of Fire’.

Human Trafficking Lights To Be Installed

In order to direct the massive flow of middle-aged Korean men towards Seoul’s dens of prostitution, the Seoul Metropolitan Government has begun installing new Human Trafficking Lights that can be seen and understood by even the drunkest businessmen.

“This was a necessary step, ” said Vice-Mayor Lee Chulwon. “A lot of men were getting so drunk they couldn’t even find a place to buy sex. Which in Seoul is like not being able to find a virgin at a Starcraft tournament. People were wandering into any place that had a neon sign and asking for handjobs. And sometimes they would get them! We started getting suspicious when the Chinese restaurant across from City Hall began delivering their food in a blacked-out Equus.”

Many prostitution customers are also expressing enthusiasm for the lights. Says 36-year-old Lee Cholwon, “It’ll be good to have a light guiding me. Usually, I just follow the smell of perfume and desperation.”

New, Improved, and Coming To a Republic Near You!

As Asia struggles to cope with recent provocation by North Korea and the won falters, Korean mega-corporations LG and Samsung have announced an unprecedented partnership to offer financial backing to South Korea. In acknowledgement of their support, and their contribution to Korea’s astonishing economic triumph throughout the last 50 years, the Republic of Korea will henceforth be known as “Samsung and LG Proudly Present the Republic of Korea.” Minor modifications are planned for the national flag to reflect the contributions made by the corporations.

Samsung Vice-Chairman Jong-Yong Yun issued this statement: “With this partnership between LG and Samsung, the Korean dream of unification of has finally been achieved. Oh, I mean the other dream of unification.”

Due to the sanctions imposed by the UN Security council, LG’s partner group, GS, is poised to underwrite the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, also known as North Korea. The Stalinist country has been in financial straits ever since Kim Jong Il’s  5-Year-Plan “The Great Leap Sideways” entered its 18th year. In an apparent stroke of good luck, several relatives of the reigning Kim family perished in Nigeria, leaving behind considerable wealth , but despite the best efforts of a number of pastors, virtuous widows and princes, Kim Jong Il hasn’t received the expected windfall, and millions of dollars’ worth of bank transfer payments have gone unrewarded.  After the sponsorship takes effect, the DPRK is expected to retain its acronym, but will be henceforth referred to as the Digital People’s Republic of Korea.

Other corporate sponsorships are also in the works. The Presidency is being sponsored by SK Telecom, and consequently their slogan “Ubiquitous Leader” has been adopted and will be used to refer to future Korean heads of state. A discreet logo will appear on neckties worn by the president, and the president will personally deliver messages on behalf of SK Telecom such as “This number is not in service” on a live, individual basis.

Kia Motor Company has expressed an interest in sponsoring Dok-do, the small rocky islands currently in dispute between Korea and Japan. However, the prototype for their new sedan built in honour of the islands, the sprightly “Dok!” has been dismissed as too tiny, ugly, and generally useless.

Mongolian Women’s Shelter Opens

Shelter to protect women from violence, rain

From the Subscribers Only Edition

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Foreigner Catches Case of Actual Yellow Fever
In a grim irony, lifelong Asian fetishist Bob McLark was diagnosed with the deadly Yellow Fever virus in Yeongdong Severance hospital this week. Says McLark, “the pain of liver failure is made bearable by the ministrations of these lovely, elegant Korean nurses with their long, shiny black hair and mysterious, cat-like eyes.”

‘Korean Police Story’ Sinks at the Box Office
Audiences were said to be turned off by extending scenes of gum chewing and ass scratching. Climactic cap dusting scene also fails to impress.

Number of Eyelids in Korea Nearly Doubles
Despite no significant increase in the population, the number of eyelids in Korea has nearly doubled. In a completely unrelated story, a local plastic surgeon was seen rolling around in a pile of cash.

Horrifying Specter of Fiery Nuclear Apocalypse Ruins Otherwise Pleasant Trip to Outback Steakhouse

 

Perhaps software engineer and Seoul resident Tad Jenkins could have enjoyed his Bloomin’ Onion a little more if it weren’t for the bloomin’ mushroom cloud that darkened his mind today. While having lunch around noon at Outback Steakhouse, Jenkins found that the news of North Korea’s first successful nuclear test put a damper on what would have been an enjoyable meal.

“I made the plans to have lunch with my girlfriend two days ago. When I heard the news that the North had conducted an underground nuclear test it really made me worried. But I decided to go ahead and go to lunch, because underground nuclear explosions aside, I sure do love those kookaburra wings.

But then as I was eating my Brisbane Caesar salad, I got to thinking about what would happen if a nuclear bomb was ever dropped on Seoul. I mean, can you imagine the devastation? The initial blast would tear through steel buildings like they were made of toothpicks, incinerating people alive and bringing fiery atomic death to anyone in the vicinity. Children playing on playgrounds would be wiped from the earth in a wave of annihilating fire. Flesh would be seared from bone and bone scorched into ash. Millions of souls instantly devoured by the ravenous, howling oblivion as Kali The Great Lord Destructor darkens the sky with ultimate doom and rains stinging poison and hot choking death down on the tiny humans below. Subway cars become pitch-black baking tombs. The streets running out of Seoul are flooded with escaping refugees, hideously burned and screaming, a great tide of pathetic suffering. Women clutching the corpses of their children like broken dolls, wailing. Masses of people naked and bloodied, stripped of every vestige of human dignity, rolling their eyes and bleating like frightened livestock as they flee the burning city. Bodies littering the side of the road like so much garbage to be picked at by dogs in a grim reversal of Korean culinary tradition. Everywhere a dark harvest song can be heard as the Grim Reaper swings his scythe freely across the land, gathering his charred bounty, young and old alike. And then as the smoke clears we see wave after wave of faceless, jackbooted North Korean soldiers marching through the blackened rubble, robotic killing machines without human compassion, intent only on capturing what has become a mass grave and turning it into a monument to endless despotism. All happiness is blighted by destruction, all life devoured by death, all humanity entombed in cold totalitarianism.

Basically, worst trip to Outback Steakhouse ever.”

Isaac Durst Escapes From His Cage

 

Isaac Durst, the energetic host of EBS TV’s English Cafe, escaped from his cage on the EBS studio’s backlot late last Wednesday evening. As of the time of this article’s publishing, he is still on the loose. His keepers suspect he was able to climb up the rope on his tire swing, jump onto the wire fence that runs alongside his wading pool, and then scale the fence to freedom.

“I just don’t understand why he would want to escape,” said EBS’s veteran caucasian handler Lee Soomin. “He always seemed so happy when he was on the show. Always smiling and dancing and doing whatever we told him. Sure, sometimes he would sulk and fling his feces at us, but we’d just feed him a few hamburgers and he’d be back to his normal self again.”

Authorities are particularly concerned because Isaac has miraculously learned how to speak Korean almost like a real human being. There is a concern that he might be able to use this ability to establish a bank account or have sexual relations with a Korean woman.

“I dare not think about what kind of hideous man-beast would be born if he managed to impregnate a Korean woman,” said Deputy Police Chief Lee Woosuk. “The important thing is we bring him back to his pen where he belongs.”

If confronted with Isaac, Koreans are encouraged to speak to him in a sing-song voice and repeatedly ask him, “Hi, how are you?” It is estimated that if not showered with attention, he will shrivel up and die within 48 hours.

Lee Soomin, the handler, just hopes that Durst is found. “I remember the day we got him. I told the trapper that I wanted one with blue eyes, curly hair, and the biggest nose he could find. We got Durst and he was just perfect.”

Police Chief Told to Stop Winking While Discussing Anti-Prostitution Law

In a formal statement by the city council, Seoul’s Police Chief Lee Wonsuk was told to stop doing exaggerated stage winks while discussing the Special Law on Prostitution in public settings. As police chief, Lee is responsible for enforcing the two year-old law which aims to eliminate prostitution. But the city council accused Lee of half-heartedly supporting the law and undermining it’s credibility.

Specifically, the council cited a press conference last month where Lee winked obviously after making the statement, “And that’s why we’re doing our best to stop prostitution.” The council accused Lee of performing several other inappropriate actions while he discussed his dedication to the law, including smirking, eye-rolling, doing a sarcastic thumbs-up, and repeatedly making the “jack off” gesture with his hand. Lee was also heard making the statement, “Sure, I’ll be investigating a few prostitutes tonight pesonally,” and then nudging the mayor in the ribs with his elbow and laughing loudly.

In addition, Lee was asked to stop referring to the Ministry of Gender Equality as the “Old Bitch Commitee”.