Archive for May, 2006

Low-Rated Drama Ceremoniously Dropped From MBC

May 30, 2006

"Love Story in Darfur", the story of a young woman who overcomes scurvy to fulfill her lifelong dream of marrying rich, was given an eleborate ceremony yesterday as it was retired from MBC's nightly lineup. After a 21 gun salute and a crash-free flyover by the Korean air force, stagehands and extras were lowered into an elaborate underground tomb and buried alive alongside props from the show, including the iron lung in which the male lead spent most of the seaon. Said MBC's programming director Park Jeonghyun, "We hope that it will be a better show in the next life." Love Story in Darfur will be replaced with an infomercial for crab legs.

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Coporate Mascot Felled By Own Product

May 18, 2006

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Slappy the Soju Bottle lies incapacitated on a public bench. He was earlier seen drunkenly carousing with Minnie Mouse.

From the Socialist Youth League Quarterly

May 12, 2006

Take a look at a few articles from our North Korean sister publication, The Socialist Youth League Quarterly.

Americans' Child-Rich Diet Contributing to Obesity
The soft, fatty flesh of human babies, a common favorite at the American dinner table, is being blamed by doctors for the worsening obesity epidemic in the States.

Delicious New Lunch Menu Announced For Nation's Schools

  • Treebark fritters
  • Wad of counterfeit U.S. 100 dollar bills covered in ketchup
  • Soviet-era pudding
  • Steaming bowl full of hope.

Kim Jong Il's Novel Tops Best-Seller List
For the 618th week in a row, a book written by Kim Jong Il has taken the number one spot on the best-seller list, along with 9 out of top 10 spots. The 10th spot is held by Are You There God? It's Me, High General of the Korean People's Army Kim Jong Gak.

Roh Offers Sweetheart of a Deal

May 11, 2006

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Roh has put himself on the line with the Sunshine Policy.

Can Kim open his heart and let the Sunshine in?

President Roh Mu Hyun shocked local politicians and irked Washington by stating his intentions "to provide institutional and material aid without conditions" to North Korea. He also stressed, "I'm completely open to North Korea. I've said dozens of times that let's meet and talk regardless of where, when and what topic. Seriously, Kim. Call me." Though friends have reminded Roh to "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen," Roh can't seem to resist making overt gestures of warmth and goodwill. Last week, fertilizer shipments arrived with a hand-decorated mixed CD, including "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me" by Culture Club, "We've Only Just Begun" by The Carpenters, and Stevie Wonder's "You are the Sunshine of My Life." Kim apparently responded with his own tape of The Police hit "Every Breath You Take," and ""Respect" by Aretha Franklin.

Prime Minister Han Myeong Sook has openly criticized Roh's approach, characterizing it as "coming on too strong." "He's going to get hurt," she remarked ruefully, "if Roh doesn't realize that Kim will never settle down into a long-term union. He's got to have it on his own terms. All Roh does is give, give, give, but really he's just being an enabler. Looks like he's going to have to figure it out on his own, though.

Roh defended his aggressively affectionate stance: "It will take persistence to break through his emotional armour, since I know he's been hurt in the past. Those missiles pointed all over the world? They're just metaphors for the pain inside. He's a lost little boy underneath that glamourous and dangerous exterior. Russia thinks they're all that because they're both Communist, but who's the number one supplier of aid? Us, that's who, and when Kim wakes up and realizes that, it's gonna be a beautiful day. He is unlike anyone I've ever met, and I've never had a connection with anyone else that comes close to what I have with him. I can't just give up on this."

Relationship expert and astrologer Li Eun Gyeong weighs in: "Roh is a Virgo, so he values his relationships highly. He's very meticulous, so his intentions are not likely to be mistaken. Also, he was born in 1946, which makes him a Fire Dog. Naturally, he's intractable, kind-hearted and patient so he's not going to let Pyeongyang's bluster scare him off. You know what they say: where there's smoke, there's fire. And in this case, it's not just the uranium enrichment plants that are heating things up, if you know what I mean.

Could there be a union in Kim's future? Sources near Kim Jong Il say no. "He's a lone wolf. In fact, I've heard him he say would "mercilessly strike and annihilate those who infringe on [his] inviolable sovereignty."

Close friends have told the Yangpa that Kim is "a little creeped out" by Roh's overtures, and would prefer to be "just friends."

Warrior Bee Piqued

May 10, 2006

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Drone 2nd order #6672, compound-eye-witness
The Yangpa brings you an exclusive look at the other side of the story, told from the unique perspective of one of the 187,000 bees swarming political activist Ahn Sang-gyu.

The Yangpa: One of Korea's bravest voices, Ahn Sang-gyu, recently told the BBC that ""The honeybee dares to abandon its life when enemies are attempting to attack, to protect its own home. From now on, I hope these bees will contribute to protect our Dokdo." What are your thoughts on this?

Drone 2nd order #6672 a.k.a Greg: Technically, our stingers are evolved perfectly for inter-bee combat, and might not be suitable for penetrating reinforced steel or iron. Additionally, not all bees are combat-ready, given that they specialize in other tasks. Drones, for instance, don't even have stingers. Got any islands that need fertilizing? I'm sure they'd be up for it, but in this case, I'm not so sure they're really what Dokdo needs. Now, if he had harnessed the power of killer bees, that would be another story.

TY: How did you feel about being included in this stunt, which has garnered so much international attention?

Greg: Well, we weren't so much recruited as kidnapped, so to speak, and that does colour my view of the whole issue. One minute, I'm building hexagonal chambers for the larvae and the next minute I'm called upon to reinforce sovereignty over a rocky islet. I've got mixed feelings about the whole thing, actually.

TY: How effective do you think will be against a possible Japanese threat?

Greg: Thousands of us were actually crushed in the jump itself, so there's no longer a 1-to-1 ratio between us and the total square meters in Dodko, and that's not even counting the non-fatal casualties. You should see what happened to my friend Eric. He was actually bisected. I'm sorry… I can't talk about this anymore…

The Yangpa will bring you more next week when we interview several hissing cockroaches about their role in the DMZ.

New Line of Drinking Wear Introduced

May 9, 2006

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The Redface Drinking Gear serves all your boozing needs. We provide such products as:

  • Vomit-proof Hats
  • Hiking/Beating Sticks
  • A line of adult diapers called "English Gentleman's Surprise"
  • Backpacks big enough to hold the body of a small boy who had no business being on the road in the first place

The Redface — for when you're shitfaced.

What Do You Think?

May 9, 2006

Koreans Build Robot

The Korea Institute for Industrial Technology has created a humanoid robot that resembles a young woman and is capable of expressing happiness, anger, sadness, and pleasure. (story here) What do you think?
 

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Kim Jinhoo
Scientist
"Heck, I'd like to replace my girlfriend with that robot. But then again, I'm dating an old Teddy Ruxpin."

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Kim Youngwon
Manager
"Isn't the whole point of building a sexbot to avoid the expression of emotion?"
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Lee Minjoo
Student
"If they want to learn about the folly of building sentient robots, they should watch a little movie called Harry Potter — while being hacked to death by sentient robots."

Hines Ward's Chopsticks Enshrined

After Hines Ward dined on galbi (marinated short ribs) at the Lotte Hotel restaurant, his chopsticks were saved and put into a display case for public viewing. (story here) What do you think?
 

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Ed Crudder
Importer
"Display case? I thought you were supposed to smash the glass and use the chopsticks in case of emergency deliciousness."

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Kim Jinhee
Restaurateur
"Oh sure, and the spoon I used to serve myself 18 bowls of rice liquor goes unrecognized."
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Lee Hyejin
Consultant
"The chopstick skills came from his mother's side, but when he ordered ribs, that was from his father."

Area Woman Uncomfortable With the Implications of Ordering the Couple’s Set

May 8, 2006

Two cokes, two salads, a medium pizza, and one large question that was better left unasked.

For Kim Jiun, these were the contents of the Pizza Hut Couple's Set which was ordered last Wednesday evening during her dinner with fellow Seoul-ite Lee Jeehoon. After meeting 2 months ago at a 'sogaeting' (a sort of blind date), the pair have been regularly meeting for dinner once or twice a week. Despite the frequency with which they see each other, they have yet to establish themselves as a romantic couple beyond some brief handholding and one 'ass-out' hug.

"I don't think we're really a couple," says Ms. Kim. "He's a nice guy and I like being with him, but I'm afraid if he ever gets the nerve to make a move, I'm going to have to turn him down. Maybe if Pizza Hut served a 'Comfortable In Each Other's Company Set' or a 'Simply Want to Enjoy Pizza Together Set' it would have been a little less awkward." As it was, the ordering of the couple's set was followed some stifled laughter and the avoiding of each other's eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Says Kim, "It was a really weird moment. I was counting the seconds until the waiter came over with our bowls so that I could go to the salad bar and get some pickles and jello."

Samsung Unveils New Handphone Features

May 5, 2006

As the competition rolls out handphones with Calorie Counters, Body Mass Index Calculators and other lifestyle tools, Samsung strives to address the deeper needs of today's modern neurotic young woman.

Proposed Accessories of the new Femnatronic phone include…

-Suicide/Grief Counselling
-Revenge Planner
-"Married Yet?" Countdown to Age 30
-"Hot Or Not?" Assessment Tool
-"He's Just Not That Into You"(tm) Scanner and Alert

Revolutionary New Image Search Engine Unveiled

May 3, 2006

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