Archive for June, 2006

Lee Jun Ki Becomes Pantyliner Spokes-model

June 19, 2006

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Actor Lee Jun Ki has been declared the new spokes-model for Kotex Pantyliners in Korea, a move that surprises virtually no one. Says Kotex representative Sarah Geller, “We feel that Lee is a perfect fit for promoting feminine hygiene products, because when you think of Lee Jun Ki, you think ‘douchebag.'” Lee quickly became a sensation after starring in the movie The King and the Clown (왕의 남자), a Korean remake of Juwanna Man set during the Joseon dynasty. The piano-playing Lee was then featured in a series of commercials for Seongnu beverage, a pomegranate-flavored estrogen supplement. His latest turn as a pantyliner pitchman has his fans excited. “I wanna marry Lee Jun Ki! I just want to hug and kiss him all day!” squealed Park Seongi, a 37-year old inmate in Yeoungdeungpo Correctional Institute.

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Eurocentrica’s Super Whitening Cream

June 15, 2006

special advertising feature

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Don't just whiten your skin, whiten your life!

Our whitening cream provides maximum whitening for any type of asian skin. It contains special Whitecules that go deep into your body to provide a full whitening experience. After just a few applications, you'll make Drew Barrymore look like Fu Manchu!

Possible side effects include:

  • Sudden cravings for milk and cheese
  • Tendency to vote Republican
  • Desire to watch hockey
  • Inexplicable waves of guilt

The Yangpa’s Educational Supplement

June 12, 2006

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Hi gang! Today we're going to learn some English idioms. An idiom is an expression that does not mean what it literally says such as "kick the bucket" or "let the cat out of the bag" or "no, seriously, my house is actually on fire." So don't be idiots, gang, learn some idioms!

  • Needle in a haystack: A dangerous situation that appears to be safe, such as a huge syringe full of chimp horomones hidden in an otherwise hobo-friendly haystack
  • Go cold turkey: To have a haughty and emotionally distant demeanor. You know, like a turkey does.
  • Go Dutch: To place oneself in constant danger, like living below sea level and smoking tons of hash.
  • Tell a white lie: To say something that nobody actually believes, like "Some of my best friends are black."
  • Beating a dead horse: A task that is gruesome and exhausting, but at the end of the day leaves you with enough meat to get through the winter.
  • A picture is worth a thousand words: This idiom is pretty short, so it's worth about the same as a very very small picture.
  • That's the way the cookie crumbles: Something that puts you in a blind rage, like the waste of perfectly edible baked goods.

Female Comedian Noted For Her Hilariously Firm Breasts

June 8, 2006

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Comedian, actress, and singer Hyeon Yeong has been making waves recently in the Korean comedy scene for her hilariously firm breasts and uproariously tight buttocks. “She’s got everything you want in a comedic actor,” said entertainment analyst Park Jeongho, “A good rack, long legs, and a nice ass. Makes me smile just thinking about it.” After dreamily staring into the distance for a few moments, Park recalled some of her signature jokes. “There’s this one where she makes a goofy face and then bends over. Fucking witty, that one.”

In addition to acting in Korean soap operas and being a 5-time Sexy Dance Contest champion, Hyeon Yeong also recently had a hit with a Korean version of the ‘Numa Numa’ song on her 2006 album “Welcome to 2004”. Says Hyeon Yeong, “I’ve always wanted to be a comedian. When I was a teenager, I’d practice: doing situps to make my stomach flat and a lot of jogging to shape up my ass.” Analysts expect Hyeon Yeong to easily make the transition to a serious actress because of her remarkable ability to convincingly portray a woman with a nice set of ta-tas.

What do You Think?

June 5, 2006

Women Underrepresented in Politics

After the recent local elections in Korea, only 13% of the winning candidates were female. What do you think?
 
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Ed Crudder
Importer
"Good. I think we should keep Korean women in the PGA tour where they belong."
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Kim Jinhee
Restaurateur
"I guess that resolution to turn Daniel Henny into federal property is going to have a tough time passing now."
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Lee Jinoo
Consultant
"I think women's limited brain capacity is what prevents them from winning the other 92% of seats."

Park Ji-sung’s Adult Acne Declared National Landmark

June 5, 2006

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Korean World Cup Team soccer player Park Ji-sung's adult acne has been declared a national landmark by the Korean parliament, thereby allowing him to receive federal funds for creams, loofahs, and well-being tonics. The move is being roundly applauded by Korean graphic artists, who have collectively spent hundreds of hours airbrushing his acne out of advertising photos, but who are now no longer required to do so by law. This is the first time such an honor has been given to a soccer player since Ronaldinho's teeth were declared an emergency landing strip for Brazilian military aircraft.

Korean Gaydar Technology Lags Behind International Standards

June 1, 2006

Despite being a leader in manufacturing LCD screens and flash memory chips, Korea is still years behind the cutting edge in gaydar technology, according a government-commissioned study. Kim Jungho, the director of the study, says, "We're decades behind. If you were to look at American standards, you have would to go back to the days when people thought George Michaels was a ladykiller to find something comparable to the state of Korean gaydar."

Many Koreans agree that the national gaydar standard is low. "I just found out that one of my co-workers is gay and I was shocked," says office worker Lee Jihyun. "In hindsight, I guess there were signs I could've picked up on. He dressed well, he never had a girlfriend, and he was a bit feminine. There was also that time he showed me a wedding album of himself getting married to a man. But for some reason I never put it together."

In order to increase the level of Korea's gaydar technology, Arirang TV will begin broadcasting such shows as "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy", "Queer as Folk", and "Live with Ryan Seacrest."