Archive for April, 2006

English Teacher Creates Rights Group for the Hungover

April 29, 2006

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Fred Wesselton, a middle school teacher in Busan, had had enough. He recalls, "I was tired of the discrimination. I was tired of the whispering behind my back. My students were always saying 'You look so tired' or 'You smell like Daddy does after his business meetings.' Well, I just wanted to say to them. 'I'm not tired. I'm not sick. I'm not any different from any of you. I'm hungover. And I'm a human being, damnit, not an animal!" It was because of these sentiments that Mr. Wesselton created the first rights group for hungover persons, the NAAHP (National Association for the Advancement of Hungover People). The group is campaigning for equal rights under the law, protection from workplace discrimination, and "just one more hour of fucking sleep, please." For those interested in joining this group, they will be holding breakfast meeting in Itaewon, starting at 3PM.

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Fashion Police Uncover Terror Plot

April 27, 2006

In an early dawn raid, Seoul police descended upon a shabby one-room apartment, and hauled away three giggling miscreants, finally ending their lengthy reign of terror. Police seized boxes of illicit loot and equipment, including a stockpile of blank t-shirts and eight silk-screening kits.

The group's manifesto was scrawled in red marker on the wall: "Our mission: To undermine the growing Asian threat by public humiliation and ridiculous slogans. We have found their Achilles' heel, and we will exploit it until they are the laughingstock of the English-speaking world." This chilling policy led to the productions of millions of t-shirts which ruthlessly brutalized the English language and unknowingly taunted the wearer. The motive for these crimes is unknown, though a diary found at the scene hinted that the Harvard-educated inhabitants harboured deep resentment toward Asian students for "getting the top grades and all the best spots on the volleyball team and the AV Club, and cooking ramyen in student dormitories at odd hours. "

The offenders had been operating for years under the noses of the authorities until police received a tip from a victim who complained that his shirt bearing the words "MY OTHER RIDE IS YOUR MOM" had caused him to be beaten senseless upon arrival in Los Angeles International Airport.

The suspects appeared unrepentant as they snickered and shouted "Ask! Enquired!" and "Ape Does Not Kill Ape!" before dissolving again into fits of uncontrollable laughter. When they composed themselves, the bearded ringleader told reporters "This goes way beyond t-shirts, man. You think you can stop us? Just look on your pencil cases. On your garbage cans! We're everywhere! You'll never keep us down! Never! Muh hwa ha ha haaaa…"

Warning: the following t-shirts, seized at the crime scene, may not be suitable for adults. Dictionaries and spell-checkers are advised:
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Popular Actress Formerly A Rock

April 27, 2006

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Photos circulating on the internet have revealed that actress Kim Jeongeun, before she had extensive plastic surgery, was actually a large hunk of granite. 'Before and After' photos of celebrities who have had comestic surgery are common on South Korean websites, but few photos are as drastic as those of Ms. Kim. "I'm pretty shocked," said netizen Park Jinu, "I know that a lot of celebrities have surgery. But I'm still not sure how they turned an inanimate object into an actress." Ms. Lee's publicist confirmed that the photos are in fact accurate. "It is true that before she started her acting career, Kim Jeongeun was a 50 kilo piece of granite found near Paektu-san Mountain." Although her official biography states her age as being 30,  Ms. Lee was actually formed millions of years ago by the slow cooling of an underground magma chamber.  She then rose to prominence through a combination of charm, pluck, and the tectonic motion of the North American and Pacific plates.

Special Advertising Feature

April 27, 2006

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Homeless Man’s Stench Overpowers 4 Years of Liberal Arts Education

April 26, 2006

The sense of empathy and willingness to help society's downtrodden that was instilled by Samantha Batton's education at Wellesly College was completely erased on Thursday morning by the sheer eye-watering shit stench that emanated from street denizen Kim Changwoon. Ms. Batton received a Bachelor's degree in Social Justice Theory after completing a thesis on the life's work of Guatemalan activist Miriam Jocop Guamuch. She then used her extensive knowledge of the oppressive economic power structures in Latin America to secure employment as an English teacher in Seoul, South Korea.

It was on the streets of Kangnam that her liberal arts education was put to the ultimate test. Says Ms. Batton, "I saw him kneeling down on the stairs that lead into the subway and my heart went out to him. I know a little Korean because I studied Korean when I got my minor in Uraltic/Altaic languages, so I decided to talk to him and ask him if he wanted share a meal of some organic well-being bean sprouts."

The offer for a meal, however, was never to take place. As Ms. Batton drew close to the man, she noticed something unusual. "He smelled like somebody shat into a carton of rotten eggs. It was fucking awful. I've never smelled anything like it. It was like a truck stop toilet filled with steamed broccoli and dog farts. Un-fucking-believable." After encountering Mr. Kim's formidable odor, Ms. Batton beat a hasty retreat. "I understand that he is languishing at the bottom of unprincipled and iniquitous capitalist system and that he can be rehabilitated through job-training and medical care programs. But that motherfucker stunk."

Black Race Inducts New Member

April 24, 2006

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Busan resident Choi Eunseok was officially inducted as the newest member of the black race in a ceremony which took place last Wednesday night. The induction was peformed by Randall Winston, the president of the Secret Global Order of Black People, the organization which oversees black membership and is also responsible for coming up with words like 'bougie' and 'twerk' and then keeping them secret from white people for as long as possible.

Says Winston, "Our membership is pretty low in Korea so I figured we should take in some new people. I mean, you could already mistake him for a black person, maybe, if you were kinda far away, and it was dark, and you had some kind of eye infection." Choi said that he was very pleased with his induction and was excited to meet a black person for the first time. "I was very nervous when he shook my hand. I was afraid I'd do it wrong." Choi also said that he was puzzled by the presence of a black man who was not accompanied by back-up dancers.

Korea Tops Global Busyness Index

April 22, 2006

The nation’ s leisure deficit reached new highs this quarter despite economic slowdown and job shortages. Hospitals report that ulcers, hernias, migraines, suicides and overall shortages of well-being have reached epidemic proportions, testifying to the strain on Korea ‘s dynamism. Extreme busyness struck at the heart of the economic sector this Friday when Kim Young Joon, president of WonderMagiCom Inc. was reported missing two weeks earlier by his concerned family. Police questioning at locals bars, PC-rooms and room-salons had turned up no sign of him, but the case broke wide open when office secretaries reported a strange odor emanating from his office at WonderMagiCom headquarters. Mr. Kim was found emaciated, weak and severely dehydrated at his desk, apparently suffering from extreme busyness. He initially refused treatment, muttering the company ‘s inspirational slogan, “Let’ s have a good shape of our well times. ” He protested ” I can’t leave! I have too much work to do! ” but relented when police pointed out that his desktop computer was still in its original wrapping. In a bizarre twist, no evidence of actual work was found at the scene. Mr. Kim was taken to hospital where he was treated, pronounced in stable condition, and will remain under observation if staff can find a moment to spare.

“Oh, I envy him…” sighed Vice President Lee Tae Gun. “I could use a vacation. It’s touching that his family contacted the police. I was once stapled to my desk for three weeks before one of the cleaners found me and brought me a staple remover. I should have ordered one myself but I just didn’t have time.”

In other business news, stocks in Naver, Cyworld, World of Warcraft and Lineage continue their robust growth.

Military Base Construction Delay Announcement Ahead of Schedule

April 22, 2006

According to insiders, a press release which will announce another delay in the construction of a U.S. military base in Korea is proceeding far ahead of schedule. The announcement, which will detail the various snags and postponements in the construction of the consolidated base in Kyonggi Province is scheduled to beat estimates by several hours. Jill Sherlington, a senior communications director for the U.S. army, is in charge of the project. "It's going along really great. I've got 3 whole paragraphs already, and all I need is 4 and I'm done. I'll probably have time to shoot a few games of pool before dinner." The cause for this optimistic prediction lies in the content of the announcement, says Sherlington. "This is just one of those run-of-the-mill delays. It's not like some Pyongtaek farmers are setting themselves on fire or something. When that starts happening, it's gonna be tough. People get really touchy if you misspell the names of the dead."

Rex! Sit! Stay! Make-over!

April 19, 2006

There's a new breed of dog in town. It's more fit and fabulous than anything you've seen before. You can't buy it in a market or a pet-shop. You can only get it at your neighbourhood veterinarian/plastic surgeon.

The plastic surgery industry has helped millions of flabby, unattractive people, and slain a very small percentage. However, until this point, homely dogs have had to endure the tragedy without recourse. Now there's hope. Korean veteranarians have pioneered techniques designed to help your dog be the best-looking dog he can be. This dog (pictured above) will receive lightening treatment on his snout, and excess skin will be trimmed and pulled tight. With a wardrobe-makeover including some slimming garments and stylish accessories, even this pug-nosed atrocity could get a second look while trotting the sidewalks in Apkujeong.

Think your puppy is cute? Think again. Puppy fat doesn't look good on girls, and it's unsightly on puppies too. This portly pup (above) is about to trimmed and transformed. When he emerges from his bandages, he'll be sleek as a greyhound, and will fit much more easily into a handbag, purse, or camera case.

Eventually, veterinarian surgeons hope to expand their range of cosmetic procedures to meet the needs of pet-lovers, and address canines' current lack of double eyelids and handphone attachments.

PDA User Finds Himself In Manchuria

April 18, 2006

Seoul-area businessman Lee Changho was riding the subway late wednesday evening when he began to write a lengthy email to one of his colleagues using his PDA. When he next looked up from his email, he found himself in unfamiliar territory. "I guess I wasn't paying attention. I was just looking down and walking aimlessly," he said. It turns out that the unfamiliar territory was deep in the Manchurian wilderness, hundreds of miles from from his home in Seoul. What was even more startling was that he was wearing a North Korean prison camp uniform and his back was criss-crossed with bayonet wounds. "I was really focused on that email," Mr. Lee said with a shrug. When asked if his incident was indicative of a larger lack concientiousness in Korean society caused by modern digital technology, Mr. Lee responded by saying, "What? Hold on. I just have to add a few more squiggles at the end of this text message."