What are YOU doing on Valentine’s Day?

Housewife:
I’m going to show my husband how much I love him… with a huge sign that says, “I Don’t Love You.”

Room Salon Worker:
I’m going to have sex with somebody and not charge them money. The owner.


English Teacher:
Me and my girlfriend are going to take a cell phone picture where we wear matching T-shirts and stand beside each other with our hands over our heads so that it forms the shape of a heart. Then I’m going to perform self-immolation.

MTV Korea Programming Director:
I’m going to play more romantic ballads than usual. But first I need to invent a machine that adds more hours to the day.

University Student:
I’m going to wear my pinkest shirt. The one with the built-in bra.

High School Student:
I’m going buy a bunch of condoms because nothing gets the ladies wet like the horniest holiday on the calendar: Lunar New Year!

Yangpa’s Quik Newz Bytez!

News stories so fast-paced and succinct you would think we were too lazy to flesh them out!

27 Different Julie Parks Coincidentally End Up in One Room
The strange event took place in a computer lab on the UC Berkeley campus on Friday. It quickly developed into a Highlander-style battle royale in which 26 women were killed and the winner, Julie Park, took their positions in various student organizations and their heads.

Korean School Children Entertained by Actual White Monkey
Yesterday, a group of 8-year-olds from a Kangnam Elementary school watched the delightful antics of a White Marmoset in Children’s Grand Park, which is known to many foreigners as “Children’s Grand Squalid Animal Jail”. As the children laughed and threw junk food into the monkey’s depressing shit-stained cage, their English teacher, Bill Northam, looked on with deep existential sorrow.

Korean Actress Diagnosed with Cancer of the S-Line
Lee Jeong-eun, a longtime contestant in the Unemployed Actors’ Wacky Hijinks Show, was diagnosed yesterday. She will retire from the show which airs 47 times daily and become a star in a popular documentary series, The Weepy Sad-Sack Life Show, which is sponsored by the Korean Violin Manufacturers Association.

It’s Time to Put an End to the Prejudice Against Discrimination

by Kenny Kim

Despite what some people may have to say against it, I’m proud of my heritage. After my father moved to America from Korea 30 years ago, he absorbed many American values, but he also retained much of what makes Korea so rich and dynamic. He believed in strong family bonds and respect for one’s elders. He believed in a dedication to education and furthering oneself. And above all, he believed in the time-honored mistrust of dark-skinned people that my people have held for generations. A lot of people looked down on him for this and said he should change his ways. But I say it’s time to for American to change its ways. It’s time to put an end to the prejudice against discrimination.

My father was the first person on our block to not let black guys into his convenience store. A lot of people told him he was crazy. They said, “Why not just constantly watch them on the video cameras like everybody else?” But he was tired of bowing to the system and being a closet racist. Why should he have to live in shame? Why couldn’t he be accepted as an open racist? So he stuck to his convictions and later, when the store down the street was robbed by a black guy, people began to realize he was right. There’s no need to throw out traditional culture in favor of blind assimilation. Some traditions should be kept, like eating kimbap, and wearing hanbok, and telling your son you’ll disown him if he ever dates a white girl.

I know, a lot of you are thinking that Americans are open and accepting to all types of racists from around the world. Sure, America is accepting as long as you’re a polite little racist who keeps his mouth shut. But every chance people get, they try to stifle your cultural identity. I often hear people snicker that my culture is ‘backwards’ and ‘close-minded’. Sometimes, I even hear people say slurs behind my back like ‘fucking bigot’ and ‘dirty persecutor’.

I will always carry with me the rich heritage of traditional racism given to me by my dad. He passed away a few months ago, killed in a hail of gunfire as he tried to defend the store against a black security guard who was servicing the ATM machine. Even though he’s gone, I will still remember back when I was little and he would sit me on his knee and tell me, in voice resonant with the wisdom of an ancient culture, “I hate the way Mexicans smell.”

And one day, if I’m lucky, my kids will hate the way Mexicans smell too.

A word from our sponsors…

This Cultural Event Is Totally Gonna Get Me Laid

 
by Ed Crudder

So I met this girl the other week and I could tell by the way she spat into the ashtray and not on the floor that she was a classy broad. The kind of girl that you have to take out instead of just taking out back. Usually I’d bring her to one of my regular haunts: the liquor tent, the DVD room, or the stairwell below the DVD room. But when she showed up tonight and I saw her chic Louis Vuitton tube top, I knew I’d have to class it up a bit if I wanted to get my pickle wet. Now, I don’t want to have to break the bank and to dip into the ol’ handjob fund, so I guess I’m in kind of a jam. But wait, now I remember, my coworkers gave me two tickets to a traditional Korean drum show. That’s perfect! I’ll just take her there. Oh man, this cultural event is totally gonna get me laid.

She’ll think I’m some kind of sophisticated dude who’s all into culture and stuff and the best part is it’s totally free. And check it out, the tickets say they cost 40 bucks each! I’ll have to subtly let her see the price so she knows what a huge fan of Korean drumming I’m pretending to be. That’s right, baby, normally I’d take you out to a glitzy restaurant, but I just couldn’t miss this important cultural opportunity…to bone you! Har-har!

Hopefully this passionate expression of traditional culture will be in a darkened theater so I can work some of my sweet make-out moves on her. I’ll use a couple patented Ed Crudder techniques like the Shoulder Rub, the Neck Peck, the Nipple Gripple, Ear-a-lingus, and a nice slow Dry Hump. That always turns the ladies into Crudder butter.

Yeah, this is gonna be sweet. While those Korean dudes are keeping alive their unique cultural heritage, I’ll be keeping alive a fat boner in my denim shorts. What’s a good segueway from traditional drumming into going back to my apartment? How about: “Say, baby, listening to them pound on those drums makes me want to take you back to my place and pound on your hairy snare for while.” Oh yeah, that’s smooth.

And also I can go into work on Monday and tell that hot secretary about how touched I was by the majestic power of Korean drumming. I can tell she likes me by the way she avoids looking at me when I walk in hungover every Wednesday afternoon. And on top of that, I’ll probably gain a deeper understanding of the rich traditions that bind this dynamic society together. Which will totally get me laid in the future.

From the Subscribers-only Edition (again)

Yanga Editor Billy B. Robertson crawls out of the bottle long enough to make an update.

Korea’s First Gendered Pop Star Releases Album
Lee Chanwoo will be releasing a new album as Korea’s first male gender pop star. In a shocking divergence from the norms of Korean pop talent, Lee actually exhibits recognizable secondary sexual characteristics such as facial hair, broad shoulders, and a lack of a hot pink scarf.

World’s Largest Adjosshi Found in Gwangju
The largest adjosshi specimen ever recorded was found in the area outside Gwangju city. It stands a towering 5’9″ and weighs in at over 140 pounds.

Korean Exercise Machines Linked to Absolutely Fuck-All
According to a new study, the vibrating exercise machines which are so popular on Korean home shopping networks have been linked to marked rise in sweet fuck-all. Other effects of the machines include absolutely nothing, kidding of oneself, and diddley-fucking-squat.

From the Subscribers-only Edition

Because it’s easier than writing full articles.

‘The Amazing Race’ Receives Poor TV Ratings
Koreans disappointed to find that the race in question is not them.

Area Man’s Beer Gut Finally Gets the Recognition It So Richly Deserves
Since coming to Korea, 34-year-old Dave Koffler’s protruding midsection is pleased to find itself the subject of breathless verbal commentary by local citizens.

VANK Requests That Annihilated Korean Peninsula be Known as the ‘East Sea of Fire’
VANK (Volunteer Agency Network of Korea) has begun to take preemptive steps to ensure that if the Korean Peninsula is set ablaze by nuclear blasts, it will be known as the ‘East Sea of Fire’ rather than the ‘Japanese Sea of Fire’.

Human Trafficking Lights To Be Installed

In order to direct the massive flow of middle-aged Korean men towards Seoul’s dens of prostitution, the Seoul Metropolitan Government has begun installing new Human Trafficking Lights that can be seen and understood by even the drunkest businessmen.

“This was a necessary step, ” said Vice-Mayor Lee Chulwon. “A lot of men were getting so drunk they couldn’t even find a place to buy sex. Which in Seoul is like not being able to find a virgin at a Starcraft tournament. People were wandering into any place that had a neon sign and asking for handjobs. And sometimes they would get them! We started getting suspicious when the Chinese restaurant across from City Hall began delivering their food in a blacked-out Equus.”

Many prostitution customers are also expressing enthusiasm for the lights. Says 36-year-old Lee Cholwon, “It’ll be good to have a light guiding me. Usually, I just follow the smell of perfume and desperation.”

New, Improved, and Coming To a Republic Near You!

As Asia struggles to cope with recent provocation by North Korea and the won falters, Korean mega-corporations LG and Samsung have announced an unprecedented partnership to offer financial backing to South Korea. In acknowledgement of their support, and their contribution to Korea’s astonishing economic triumph throughout the last 50 years, the Republic of Korea will henceforth be known as “Samsung and LG Proudly Present the Republic of Korea.” Minor modifications are planned for the national flag to reflect the contributions made by the corporations.

Samsung Vice-Chairman Jong-Yong Yun issued this statement: “With this partnership between LG and Samsung, the Korean dream of unification of has finally been achieved. Oh, I mean the other dream of unification.”

Due to the sanctions imposed by the UN Security council, LG’s partner group, GS, is poised to underwrite the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, also known as North Korea. The Stalinist country has been in financial straits ever since Kim Jong Il’s  5-Year-Plan “The Great Leap Sideways” entered its 18th year. In an apparent stroke of good luck, several relatives of the reigning Kim family perished in Nigeria, leaving behind considerable wealth , but despite the best efforts of a number of pastors, virtuous widows and princes, Kim Jong Il hasn’t received the expected windfall, and millions of dollars’ worth of bank transfer payments have gone unrewarded.  After the sponsorship takes effect, the DPRK is expected to retain its acronym, but will be henceforth referred to as the Digital People’s Republic of Korea.

Other corporate sponsorships are also in the works. The Presidency is being sponsored by SK Telecom, and consequently their slogan “Ubiquitous Leader” has been adopted and will be used to refer to future Korean heads of state. A discreet logo will appear on neckties worn by the president, and the president will personally deliver messages on behalf of SK Telecom such as “This number is not in service” on a live, individual basis.

Kia Motor Company has expressed an interest in sponsoring Dok-do, the small rocky islands currently in dispute between Korea and Japan. However, the prototype for their new sedan built in honour of the islands, the sprightly “Dok!” has been dismissed as too tiny, ugly, and generally useless.

Mongolian Women’s Shelter Opens

Shelter to protect women from violence, rain